NEWS OF THE WORLD - WELCOME TO TOFU UNIVERSITY

EARN YOUR BACHELORS DEGREE IN VICTIMISATION STUDIES! Not totally accurate, but pretty close.

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Not totally true, but it's pretty close.

It is 2032, and welcome to TOFU University, somewhere in California.

Congratulations on your admission to our new Bachelor’s Program in Victimisation Studies. 

We have proudly continued with the evolving victimisation ethos and morality, which are transforming education and society in Canada, Europe and the United States.

Please note that only the second and third-year courses will involve reading more than one hundred words per week. All first-year courses will be emotively driven; our desks have been connected so students can connect more easily with the Emodetector system.  Please note that our course calendar incorrectly refers to the “Emudetector,”  Emus are large flightless birds, and we apologise for any confusion.  

Students must first be assessed using our new Idento-grading benchmark system. This will ensure that every student is placed correctly in their initial victim-appropriate (VA) grading slot.

The new values are assessed by adding up the following relevant VA points.  

White males = -50

White females = -30

Cis gendered originals = -25 

East Asian = -25

Christians = -30 

We recognise that some individuals may believe they cannot pass their course mathematically. Such cis-mathematical judgements should not prevent anyone from pursuing their BV. For anyone in such a position, we recommend our six-week summer remedial course in Discovering Alternative Victim Energies (DAVE). Thanks to the generous contribution of Ketamine Infusions Inc., DAVE will be offered three times this summer. Anyone passing DAVE can nullify up to 50 VA points.

We are pleased to announce our new electives for those pursuing a Bachelor's in Victimisation (BV).  

1. BV 1973 - A historical perspective on truth—This course examines how society has progressed to see truth structure itself on levels of oppression, ideal narrative directions and historical scoring systems. Students will study the history of the residential school murder factories, the 2024 Gaza Response to the Unprovoked Slaughter of Kibbutzin armies, and the inverse relationship between power, size and truth. Intention-driven truth will also be discussed, focusing on its impact on modern societal structures. 

2. BV/CIVICS 101/Self-Effacement 101—This course examines how apologising for and hatred of all generations pre-2032 is key to building a healthy society and an appropriate baseline concept of reality. Students are encouraged to bring lashing sticks to class to participate in the morning “I hate myself, please whip me” in the Modern Chapel before class.  Negative historical reflections that trigger confidence, pride, or unity are examined through a post-modern framework of the virtues of a culture that continually undermines itself. Achievements are contextualised as theft, and appropriate apology mechanisms are studied. 

3. BV 3844 / LAW 0044- (Run in conjunction with the Law program) Understanding  Modern Freedom of Speech—This course focuses on keeping quiet. It addresses the pillars of freedom of speech: silence, fear and self-censorship.  The freedom to live in an offence-free world, squeaky wheel whining techniques and human rights principles are juxtaposed versus the rights of the offended to accurately slot feeling diminishers into the main human identity clusters of racists, X¹- phobes,  X deniers, oppressors and Montreal Canadian fans.  It addresses the modern fundamentals of hate speech, including differentiating criminal hate speech from grumpiness based on tone, eye contact, body language and shoelace tightness. Freedom to adjust levels of speech/enthusiasm reactions to current Ministry of Freedom and Punishment edicts will be introduced.  

4. BV 2025—Understanding cults: An examination of Truanon—This course examines how, after the 2025 election, Melanie Joly and Chrystia Freeland led followers of Justin Trudeau to establish a temple on Vancouver Island. Initial hopes of transcendence led to the horrors of forced castration and tribalism between the Jolites and the Freemus. Also examined is the brain damage that occurred when the Feemus supporters began licking the Golden Justin mini statues after the Jolites sold them gold-coloured lead paint. 

5. BVJEW 101 More effective Jew-Hatred. This course addresses advanced Protocols of the New Western Elders of Zion. It examines how Jews stole all Nobel prize-winning ideas, horticultural advances and advanced technology from the New Victim University of Tehran Scholars.   Also examined is the latest research on moral contortionism, or the ability to support pre-enlightenment delusory religious superiority cults, all the while condemning Jews and cultural appropriations such as the deep hurt caused to medieval Jews when today people thoughtlessly wear hairshirts just to stand out at the club. 

6. BV 0001- The woman and her penis.  This course traces the evolution of the phrase “I identify as” in its primitive routes of gender assertion to the modern assertions of ethnicity, age and IQ.  Students study the overwhelming propensity of the “I identify as intelligent” framers to move into such careers as academic administrators, and students examine the short-lived “Dolphin Identity Movement” that resulted in so many damage deposits for boat rentals going unreturned.  Please note that cis males who identify as 22 years old will now not be able to transfer credits to the Psychology Department’s course - Sugar Daddy 1347 - at TOFU University. 

7. BV 0002 (pre-reg BV 1973) Truthy, the new standard. Truthiness is examined in the context of intention-driven truth, the condition in which a post-modern Foucault truth is driven through the carnal liaison of power and intention. The case is made where truthiness should be the new construct of a mandated media government directive. Examples include the mass graves at the Kamloops Residential School, whereby the archaic “truth” says there is no evidence, and thus, one can not say they are there. Truthiness mandates that saying they are there makes a more compelling victimisation story and becomes the truth.

8. BV 0009 - Post Modern Terrorism - burning people alive, shooting fleeing teenager barefoot dancers, and raping teenagers are examined through the lens of post-modern victimisation moral contortionism in which designated victim groups are permanently allocated living structures on the moral high ground. Defence techniques against any questioning are taught, and the key to exuding volume-driven pejoratives like racist, imperialist, colonialist, and phobist (too many to list in the course outline) are applied in real-world settings outside synagogues and Jewish old age homes.

9. BV011 - Foucault and Truth - This course is a historical examination of the primitive archetype of truth and morality. It examines how key innovators, from Pontius Pilate to Mao and the various guests on The View, have helped our modern culture to conceptualise truth.

10. BVV002—Utopian Future and Sunny Ways examines a social credit system that monitors all digital inputs and geographic locations and requires everyone to wear a microphone. This system recognises and analyses all voice conversations, using word choice and tonal analysis to assign social credit scores. It would be integrated into the victim VA points to determine salaries, job allocation, travel permits, etc. 

11. BV 112 / ACTMath 104 - Settler Colonial Math/Actuarial Social Credit Scoring- acting on the premise that one’s VA score / social credit score is also tied to one’s DNA analysis and ancestral analysis to elucidate how long inhabitants have been tied to the land they newly occupy with longer periods deemed more inherently virtuous. Intermarriage calculus and immigration bivariable analysis are examined, with ancestral records used to give citizens a deracialised ancestorial score. Indigenous roots, while starting at the highest VA levels, are lowered depending on the archaeological evidence, which accesses violence rates and cannibalistic predilections.

12. BV 013 Woke Fascism - a study of how confessed moral people turn off their “morality” when certain demonised groups are involved. This course is also taught under BV JEW 105 in the Tofu University History department under BV HIS 108 - Blood Libel and Current Best Practices in Demonising Jews.

13. BV 014 - Emotion and Truth - this course examines how modern peoplekind have evolved from the archaic form of fact-based truth to see an amalgam of emotion, intention, and distorted facts that confirm prefactual truth.

    

1. Though originally meaning a singular psychological condition, the number of phobes has expanded so quickly that we have substituted X.