One of the most poignant and penetrating commentaries on those left behind was written by the great American songwriter, Lucinda Williams: Sweet Old World
Poignant and touching, brought me to tears thinking about those with whom I worked and family who left this life before their time. Gratitude for sharing.
The concept of the suffering not ending, but being redistributed, is absolutely right.
We need to teach young people to be comfortable in asking direct questions of each other if they suspect someone is feeling like ending their life.
Even saying 'Are you considering harming yourself?' helps to open conversation and allow expression of hidden feelings.
But I suspect that people who have made up their minds to commit suicide feel relief that their suffering will end and that makes it easier for them to fool everyone around them because, safe in their secret knowledge that they won't be around for much longer, they can act as if life is just fine, leaving everyone in total shock when it turns out to not be true.
Planning a suicide but not leaving a note behind feels cruel to me.
I know the person is suffering and may believe everyone will be better off without them, but just a few words to assuage the guilt might be a final act of kindness to those they left behind.
Poignant essay that brought to mind a partner of mine who took his life in the 1990s, when he was in his 40s. My employer held week long retreats for officers and support employee dealing with trauma, usually officers injured in the line of duty and recovering from physical and/or mental injuries suffered as a result of the job. My wife was concerned about how the suicide of my partner was affecting me and encouraged me attend, as did my employer. We had chaplains, psychologists , and social workers who spoke, and officers who recovered from trauma. Each of us had to stand and tell our stories, our injuries, our trauma.
After hearing and seeing officers speak about getting shot, stabbed, or otherwise injured on the job, and how they were dealing with physical and emotional injuries incurred, I felt like I didn't belong and almost ashamed to be telling my story. I hadn't bet shot, stabbed, or been in a fight where my life was on the line. But when I told the story of my partner's suicide, my feelings of guilt and basically feeling like an unworthy friend and colleague, a floodgate opened as almost everyone at the retreat tearfully offered their stories of children, siblings, parents, friends, work colleagues who took their lives. Some of the officers who attended because of getting shot, stabbed, one officer crippled and in a wheelchair, got up to speak again about the trauma of suicide affected them more deeply and greatly than did the physical injuries they were dealing with.
At this retreat I learned the best way to handle a person we believe might consider ending their life is to ask them directly, "Are you thinking of harming yourself?" I didn't do that with my partner because I thought I would be putting an idea into his head that wasn't there, or he would distrust me if I was entirely wrong. There is the guilt survivors feel over not noticing, not knowing, or the guilt we feel about noticing something was wrong but not doing anything about it, or enough about it. Then there is the loss we feel anytime somebody we care about leaves this world.
May I add that I used the Suicide Hotline 50 years ago in a moment of desperation. Being able to share my predicament and desperation did not solve my problems but was a pressure valve release that gave me the strength to carry me forward until I could escape my predicament. Fast forward 45 years and I became a volunteer on the Suicide Helpline.
A good 40 years ago I had to visit the family of a friend who committed suicide to tell them what I knew. The mother was in so much pain she cried that she could ‘kill’ her daughter. The suicide came as a complete shock to almost everyone except me. My friend was suffering from Bipolar Disorder and at times couldn’t get out of bed and could barely speak. She begged me not to tell anyone because she feared the stigma would affect her career. Long story short, she chose to end her life at a time when I was out of the country, after reassuring me she had exciting plans with her boyfriend and as a result of my urging had sought psychiatric help. My job, as I saw it, was to explain to the family that she was suffering terribly, wasn’t in her right mind and in no way intended to hurt them or make them suffer. I shared that she feared becoming like her uncle, who suffered with bipolar disease and saw knowing nods. Yes, the pain suffered by the survivors of a loved one’s suicide is terrible. But in the majority of cases I suspect the act is NOT done to harm loved ones but as a desperate belief that it is the only way to end their unbearable suffering.
One of the most poignant and penetrating commentaries on those left behind was written by the great American songwriter, Lucinda Williams: Sweet Old World
https://music.youtube.com/watch?v=BwGMJYszLMY&si=_2n9jG879hl2BBST
Poignant and touching, brought me to tears thinking about those with whom I worked and family who left this life before their time. Gratitude for sharing.
What a truly insightful essay.
The concept of the suffering not ending, but being redistributed, is absolutely right.
We need to teach young people to be comfortable in asking direct questions of each other if they suspect someone is feeling like ending their life.
Even saying 'Are you considering harming yourself?' helps to open conversation and allow expression of hidden feelings.
But I suspect that people who have made up their minds to commit suicide feel relief that their suffering will end and that makes it easier for them to fool everyone around them because, safe in their secret knowledge that they won't be around for much longer, they can act as if life is just fine, leaving everyone in total shock when it turns out to not be true.
Planning a suicide but not leaving a note behind feels cruel to me.
I know the person is suffering and may believe everyone will be better off without them, but just a few words to assuage the guilt might be a final act of kindness to those they left behind.
Poignant essay that brought to mind a partner of mine who took his life in the 1990s, when he was in his 40s. My employer held week long retreats for officers and support employee dealing with trauma, usually officers injured in the line of duty and recovering from physical and/or mental injuries suffered as a result of the job. My wife was concerned about how the suicide of my partner was affecting me and encouraged me attend, as did my employer. We had chaplains, psychologists , and social workers who spoke, and officers who recovered from trauma. Each of us had to stand and tell our stories, our injuries, our trauma.
After hearing and seeing officers speak about getting shot, stabbed, or otherwise injured on the job, and how they were dealing with physical and emotional injuries incurred, I felt like I didn't belong and almost ashamed to be telling my story. I hadn't bet shot, stabbed, or been in a fight where my life was on the line. But when I told the story of my partner's suicide, my feelings of guilt and basically feeling like an unworthy friend and colleague, a floodgate opened as almost everyone at the retreat tearfully offered their stories of children, siblings, parents, friends, work colleagues who took their lives. Some of the officers who attended because of getting shot, stabbed, one officer crippled and in a wheelchair, got up to speak again about the trauma of suicide affected them more deeply and greatly than did the physical injuries they were dealing with.
At this retreat I learned the best way to handle a person we believe might consider ending their life is to ask them directly, "Are you thinking of harming yourself?" I didn't do that with my partner because I thought I would be putting an idea into his head that wasn't there, or he would distrust me if I was entirely wrong. There is the guilt survivors feel over not noticing, not knowing, or the guilt we feel about noticing something was wrong but not doing anything about it, or enough about it. Then there is the loss we feel anytime somebody we care about leaves this world.
May I add that I used the Suicide Hotline 50 years ago in a moment of desperation. Being able to share my predicament and desperation did not solve my problems but was a pressure valve release that gave me the strength to carry me forward until I could escape my predicament. Fast forward 45 years and I became a volunteer on the Suicide Helpline.
A good 40 years ago I had to visit the family of a friend who committed suicide to tell them what I knew. The mother was in so much pain she cried that she could ‘kill’ her daughter. The suicide came as a complete shock to almost everyone except me. My friend was suffering from Bipolar Disorder and at times couldn’t get out of bed and could barely speak. She begged me not to tell anyone because she feared the stigma would affect her career. Long story short, she chose to end her life at a time when I was out of the country, after reassuring me she had exciting plans with her boyfriend and as a result of my urging had sought psychiatric help. My job, as I saw it, was to explain to the family that she was suffering terribly, wasn’t in her right mind and in no way intended to hurt them or make them suffer. I shared that she feared becoming like her uncle, who suffered with bipolar disease and saw knowing nods. Yes, the pain suffered by the survivors of a loved one’s suicide is terrible. But in the majority of cases I suspect the act is NOT done to harm loved ones but as a desperate belief that it is the only way to end their unbearable suffering.
The theme of helping someone end their life was the focus of a 1964 Emmy Award-winning episode of the television series The Twilight Zone.
https://youtu.be/4XhrgFvvOcg?list=PLBG6e1YmbrdypMO4QOQZ3n6NP4vGmdN10
https://youtu.be/b2a9vsHW8_I?list=PLBG6e1YmbrdypMO4QOQZ3n6NP4vGmdN10