VIBE VOTERS UNITE!

Mark Carney is there for you!

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Ah, the vibe voter—democracy’s answer to the question, “What if we let feelings pick our leaders?” In a world of pesky facts and boring policies, the vibe voter floats above it all, guided by the twinkle in a candidate’s eye or the way their hair falls just so. And who better to inspire such devotion than Mark Carney, whose every step screams, “I may not fix the economy, but I sure can strut.”

Take his walk, for instance. It’s not just a gait; it’s a symphony of confidence, each stride whispering, “Deficits? Who needs ’em when you’ve got this?” And that suit was perfectly tailored, hugging his frame like a lover’s embrace. Why worry about falling per capita GDP when you can gaze upon such sartorial splendour?

His belt cinched just right is a masterclass in restraint, unlike government spending under his watch. Then there’s his tone, smooth as a well-aged Scotch, lulling you into a trance where words like “economic calamity” lose all meaning.

Who cares if he advised the last PM through a fiscal nosedive? His voice could narrate a bedtime story, and you’d drift off dreaming of balanced budgets (which, spoiler: aren’t in his playbook).

And those gesticulations! Each hand wave is a ballet of bullshit, distracting you from the fact that his hidden carbon taxes—like gravity, a pesky scientific certainty—always land on the consumer.

But why fuss over details when his hands move so elegantly? Let’s not forget the hair. Oh, the hair! Perfectly tousled, it falls across his brow in a way that says, “I might remind you of your dad, but I’m the cool one who lets you stay up late.”

It’s a haircut that scoffs at per capita GDP and whispers, “Let’s talk about my barber instead.” And that twinkle in his eye? It’s the glimmer of a man who’s lived in England—good enough for you even if his enviro-radical ideas make Trudeau look moderate and have already flopped spectacularly.

But what’s a deficit, anyway? What’s this falling per capita GDP nonsense? Why bother with the fact that Carney’s economic advice turned into a slow-motion car crash under the last PM?

Facts are for nerds, and the vibe voter has no time for them. You’ve got a feeling; that’s the golden ticket in Canada.

So, carry on, brave vibe voter! Put your brain on the curb and let the truck of facts flatten it—you weren’t using it anyway.

Uninformed? Clueless? Proudly so! Your feelings are all that should govern your vote, and Carney’s vibe is positively electric.

Ladies, bless your hearts. You’ve got a higher concentration of vibe voters than the other lot, though Carney reckons there are 156 genders. Who knows where they all stand on the vibe-o-meter?

Still, vibe on, proud vibes, into the sunset of reason. It’s Canada, after all—where feelings trump facts, and the only thing greener than our energy policy is the naivety of our electorate.