News of the World. - Political party announces that they will be investigating dog breeds for potential Nazi affiliations and coming to Canada?

Not totally true, but pretty close.

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“The arc of the moral universe is getting longer, but we are still pursuing justice, especially when it comes protecting the Scottish population from right-wing hate crime committing dog breeds,” a Scottish National Party (SNP) official said proudly as they announced that all dogs would now be screened for Nazi affiliation before being admitted to the Westminster Dog Show even though it’s in England. “We managed to get that Nazi Pug off the streets. But we shall fight on the landing grounds; we shall fight in the fields, streets, and hills,” he said, adding that he meant the hills only if they were not steep.

Other activists have joined the movement. “Why do we have to annoy only humans?” one purple-haired supporter said as she left another unsuccessful interview at Starbucks. “I want to use my MA in Victimization Studies; the world is our oyster.”

All Alaskan Malamutes are now reporting to Human Rights tribunals to defend themselves against showing prejudice toward those who can’t talk. Two Malamutes were arrested at court for chewing up pens and paper and thus denying mutes their only means of communication. The trial continues.

Dobermanns also find themselves in hot water when using gendered language. Adolf Dobermann, their cis-gendered representative, said that he would put it to a vote, but getting a quorum was difficult as all their members were chained up in junk yards. One SNP specialist said they were open to calling the new breed “Doberdogswithapenis”, but it was a bit long.

The Appenzeller Sennenhund was also accused of Nazi affiliation. “Could their name sound a little more Nazi,” SNP officials said. “They aren’t even trying to be more inclusive.”

While SNP’s new anti-hate canine enforcement unit has only gotten to the Bs in their investigation, the Black and Tan Coonhounds have already been suspended due to obvious racist sympathies as well as offending the Irish nation for reminding them of the Black and Tan fighters who fought the IRA.

The Canadian Liberal party said they would also form an anti-hate canine unit.

“We realize that our brothers and sisters and non-gendered individuals in Scotland may have some subconscious bias in support of the Black and Tans,” one Canadian official quipped. “But most of our members couldn’t find Ireland on a map, let alone Scotland, so we aren’t worried about that issue in Canada.”

In other news, in Canada. Lecturer and ‘he shouldn’t be calling himself a professor’ Paul Finlayson remains under suspension at the University of Guelph.

He upset a colleague who was calling for the extermination of Israel and who said that Hamas/Houthi were his heroes and that Israel shot their potential hostages to save money on future ransoms.

Finlayson’s accuser’s comments are judged free speech, and no action will be taken, but Finlayson’s “I stand with Israel” post is, unfortunately, a serious offence.

Hate crime experts at neighbouring Humber College commended the unnamed accuser’s comment for its efficiency, as it combines an anti-Semitic trope and an insane lie into one libel.

Human Rights Tribunals and multiple universities in North America and Europe, though, are still angry that the SNP is stealing all their credit.

“We invented kangaroo courts and have been denying due process since you were at your momma’s teat,” said an unnamed University of Guelph HR official as he walked his Black and Tan Coonhound. “Just because the SNP got a dog involved, they shouldn’t be getting all the attention.”

Humber and Guelph hate crime units have announced that accusors will no longer have to use evidence in their trials to save money on investigations.

Speaking off the record, a hate crime official announced, “We now will use balance of probabilities only. This means that whomever we believe gets our vote.”

Guelph Official Pol Pot Malamute said this was a good idea as it would also increase attendance at their non-credit weekend workshop, “How To Lie But Still Be Believed In Court.”

Participants get eight hours of instruction from unemployed actors, and lunch is provided by the Humber College Culinary students and served by international students. Humber will pay 35 rupees per hour.

"This is the only work they can get,” said Humber officials when asked about international students. “We’ve got them over a barrel.”

Finlayson said that this new acting program would make it more difficult to mount a defence. “I just have a guilty face,” he said. “It’s looking worse and worse; I feel like I’m a Yorkie barking at an Irish Wolfhound; they won’t listen.”

He said that when he used Chat GPT and asked it to generate complaints against someone in his position, all the comments were the same as those filed against him.

Guelph Human Rights officials said that since they decided to pay for a subscription to Chat GPT 4.0, this was no longer happening, but that all witnesses and complainants would continue not to have to identify themselves as long as they showed up with the anonymity coupon recently distributed to all students, student parents, siblings, pets, staff, and faculty.

A complaint from a Black and Tan Coonhound with a coupon under his collar was dismissed.

This Westhighland Terrier was arrested at the SNP-sponsored dog show. His breed is now called the Colonial Settler Highland Terrier. The offender, Toby, said he was a Panda Bear and would appeal to the Canine Hate Suppression Appeals Board, but he had concerns for his safety.

This is the leader of the Nazi Canine Party, Eva (no last name known), giving a Hitler salute.

The Toronto Police Services Major Crimes Division has been removed from its current focus on helping senior citizens follow directions to keep all their valuables within two feet of the front door after the newly instituted mandate to lower barriers to criminal activity was approved.

Major Crimes will focus on hunting arch-Nazi criminal Eva.

Human Rights officials suggested an affirmative action program for criminals in which non-binary, minority (or white academics who claim that attending a Powwow in 1986 gives them indigenous status) individuals are allowed the premium theft nights of Friday and Saturday.

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