The Emperor’s New Woke Clothes: A Postcolonial, Decolonized, and Anti-Oppressive Reimagining
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Once upon a time, in a land plagued by systemic oppression, cisheteronormativity, and white supremacist patriarchal violence, there reigned a mighty Emperor. Being a progressive and intersectionally enlightened ruler, this Emperor prided himself on his commitment to dismantling hegemonic structures—at least in theory.
Two radically decolonised, anti-capitalist textile artisans arrived at the palace one day. These artisans—who had eschewed the colonialist label of ‘tailors’—claimed to weave garments so exquisitely liberated from Eurocentric materiality that only those who were truly enlightened in their anti-racist, anti-patriarchal, and anti-capitalist praxis could perceive them.
“The fabric,” they explained, “is spun from the pure essence of intersectional resistance, anti-colonial struggle, and the lived experience of historically marginalised identities. Only those who are fully decolonised in their thinking can see it.
Those who cannot? Well, they are irrevocably complicit in systemic settler colonial oppression and must, at once, acknowledge their privilege.”
As a courageous ally to all marginalised fabrics, the Emperor nodded sagely. Of course, he could see the robes! He would never admit to possessing a colonialist gaze so entrenched in toxic masculinity and undeconstructed pseudo-realism that he was unable to perceive the clothes of the future.
His advisors—fearful of losing their chance at tenure, being branded problematic, patriarchal, or worse, racist, islamophobic, or heteronormative immediately praised the garment.
“My liege!” one gasped, “This transcends mere fabric! It is a decolonial disruption of hegemonic body politics!”
“Truly, the most intersectionally just attire ever crafted!” cried another.
Word spread rapidly through the kingdom, where the people—terrified of cancellation, mandatory DEI training, reticent to admit they were Jews to their anti-zionist, anti-semitic enlightened brethren, fearful of public shaming, and forced enrolment in re-education seminars—effusively praised the Emperor’s new outfit.
Some even claimed the way the anti-materialist garments clung to his body was a bold reclamation of bodily autonomy from the cisheteropatriarchal gaze.
At last, the Emperor strode into the streets to unveil his radically anti-capitalist, settler-colonial-defying attire. The crowd caught in a desperate spiral of performative wokeness, cheered wildly.