72 VIRGINS STAGE LABOUR PROTESTS.

By Special Correspondent, Department of Social Rectification and Heaven.

If you believe in free speech, here’s the bad news: it isn’t actually free. It costs $5 a month. That’s less than the latte you complain about, less than the Netflix shows you’ll never watch, and far cheaper than your last regrettable bar tab.

For that, you get three essays a week, open comments, and the satisfaction of knowing you’re funding uncensored writing in a world addicted to censorship. Everyone says, “It’s just a cup of coffee.” Fine. But here’s the pitch: give me your coffee money and I’ll hand you something stronger—essays with bite, arguments with teeth, and the freedom to say what others won’t.

Subscribe today. Because silence is free—and it’s worth exactly what you paid for it.

Virgin Uprising Enters Fifth Day

Wives join the protest and lines continue in Muslim Heaven as the so-called Virgin Uprising entered its fifth day, with placards reading “Special Once, Not 72 Times Over” and “We Are Lovers, Not Lottery Tickets.”