News of the World - Putin Volunteers Kremlin Psychologist to help MPs avoid triggering Carney's volcanic temper.

Not totally true but pretty close.

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Newly minted Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney's ministers were shocked to see Carney when they arrived for their 9:00 AM ministerial meeting at 10:30. Even the four who had brought snacks were not spared Carney’s wrath. Trudeau’s 9:00 AM meetings usually got going around 11:00 AM.

Carney reputedly told his shocked Ministers that furthermore, not only would meetings have to start on time, but their 300-word daily reading limit would be axed. Former Minister Bill Blair was told that he could no longer print all his emails and would have to read them on his Palm Pilot. Blair was also told that since he was no longer a Minister, he would not be allowed to drift in and out of the Minister’s meetings just because there were leftover apple fritters and Smile cookies.

Two ministers, off the record, said that they wished they had signed the Reform Act that allowed ministers to vote out their leader, but that bringing it up when Carney was already so angry would be a death wish.

Furthermore, given Carney’s mood, the ministers decided to postpone the new request for the following ministerial titles, or at least revisit them when proper mandates were established for each.

1. Minister of Lived Experience and Intersectional Crises

2. Minister of Climate Grief and Emotional Composting
   (Mandate: Provide scented candles to those traumatised by recycling bins.)

3. Minister of Two-Spirit Moose-Related Trauma

4. Minister of Dog Pronouns and Pet Parenting Justice
   (Initiative: Rename “leash” to “consent rope.”)

5. Minister of Uncomfortable Feelings at Dinner Tables

6. Minister of Menstrual Equity, Toothpaste Access, and Hair Love

7. Minister of Imaginary Hate Crimes and Psychic Safety
   (Jurisdiction includes dreams, passive-aggressive emails, and smirks.)

   

Foreign Minister Anita Anand seemed visibly annoyed when Carney said they might also have to start reading books. She said that identifying her foreign policy positions on Twitter had never bothered anyone before. Insiders said Carney is reputed to have also ended the incessant hugging so popular under Trudeau.

When the meeting broke, odds and bets were placed on which minister would be the first recipient of Carney’s legendary volcanic temper. At the time of the writing, the odds have Gregor Robinson leading the way.

Minister Patti Hadju, weighed in on the betting - “Greg has screwed up everything he touched, housing, prices went up, immigration, failure, importing Indian students on university student visas who write at an eighth grade level and were more addicted to passive voice than any lawyer - that was a bust,” she said.

“Robertson also buggered up drug legalisation, suggesting crack be dispenced in those Japanese style vending machines.”

Van Koeverden piped in, visibly angry, “How can you pooch pot legalisation, how? It’s weed, everyone wants it. Hopeless.”

After the meeting, Minister Freeland said she had contracted a Ministerial Psychologist to help them avoid Carney’s wrath. She noted that, strangely, Vladimir Putin, in a startling sign of international cooperation, said that they could have one of his political messaging psychologists who was normally dedicated to manipulating Trump through flattery and adoration.

When reached at the Ottawa Russian embassy, FSB Psychologist Joseph Pollieveski said that it was going to take a while to figure out Carney as he didn’t think the Trump set of, “You are so tall, have you lost weight, all the little people are just jealous of you, Ukraine started the war just like they deliberately leaked Covid” would work.

Pollieveski also said he had rejected the following: ‘Even Lenin didn’t have this many buildings named after him’, ‘When you speak, it’s like Tolstoy if he had a Truth social account’, ‘our hackers say your passwords are uncrackable because no one else would think of ‘Ivanka123’, you’ve done more to weaken NATO than Khrushchev ever dreamed’ and ‘Stalin controlled the press, but you taught us how to call it fake.’

Additional tried-and-true Trump flattery winners were also rejected as inappropriate for Carney, including ‘If we had you in 1989, the Berlin Wall would still be up and monetised’ and ‘You are the only man who could make Siberia great again.’

In other news from Ottawa, party insiders, speaking off the record, are saying that with more and more power being concentrated in the PMO’s office, they are having more and more issues with sex robots being dressed up and left in Parliament.

An unnamed PM spokesperson stated that it was true that MPs were no longer allowed to speak on their own, being forced to read prepared statements. He admitted that electing MPs who just stand up and sit down periodically during the week before going home to ignore constituents’ concerns on the weekends was a waste of time.

Some MPs had attempted to use life-sized dolls that could stand up and sit down with the aid of a special remote control - they said it would make Parliament more efficient.

Sex dolls were, of course, the most life-like and were preferred, but MPs had been caught when the dolls kept encouraging their fellow MPs with too many “don’t stop” encouragements.

Liberal MPs are also reputed to have been speaking with Defence Department employees who have subcontracting businesses on the side to create a new app that would help them deliver more informed comments on the stump.