News of the World

Not totally true, but pretty close - Trudeau says the key to election victory will be gaslighting, vibes and neopronouns.

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Liberals Plan Election Strategy.

Inside sources report that Trudeau convened an emergency election strategy meeting on Friday at the Fairmont in downtown Ottawa with Liberal MPs, consultants, and special guests.

As usual, the consultants had insider connections. According to reporters who caught Trudeau on the way into the meeting, the preference was for MPs to help out their immediate family. For this meeting, the consultants normally taught forklift operator safety but, for this day, would teach the art of gaslighting. He was a friend of MP Mary Ng.

Trudeau is confirmed to have announced that because everyone was always pressuring him about getting their relatives and friends contracts and consulting services, he didn’t want to be accused of favouritism, so he would just start putting all the MP’s names in a punch bowl and do a random draw to decide what consultant or software developer would be the next lucky recipient of federal grift.

As Trudeau carried the punch bowl from MP to MP, Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland said she didn’t think Trudeau should try this manual labour thing at 52.

Thunder Bay MP Patty Hadju said that they had a friend who would design an app that would make a virtual punch bowl, and Freeland began to nod. Chaos and arguments ensued, with everyone but Defence Minister Bill Blair saying they had friends who would create an app. Trudeau skipped past the confused defence minister and shook his head as Blair tried to put in his business card.

Blair said he didn’t know what an app was but that in two months, he could form a committee to look at forming a committee to study it, but first, he had to hire a consultant.

Adam Van Koevertn said his favourite flavour of punch was pineapple.

Standing with hands in the pocket behind the podium, the consulting team leader was a young man in his late twenties wearing a Carhartt hoodie. He took the stage, held up a Bic lighter, and turned the flame to its highest. He asked what would happen if this flame came in contact with natural gas, and the room went silent.

“What is this high school?” asked Blair. “We got that the Russians fighting the Nazis thing wrong, okay, but you need to let it go.”

The consultant shook his head and explained that gaslighting would produce an explosion, heating the opposition and making their campaign explosive.

Blair asked if he should disconnect the stove and try it out, but they soon discovered it was an electric stove.

After the group pushed the stove against the wall in the corner kitchenette and returned to their chairs, the consultant jumped in, unsure if he had their attention.

“I’m sorry, that opener flopped,” he said, nervously wiping his palms. “But I wanted to make it real and show you how gaslighting can be the key to overcoming the Conservative’s 35-point poll lead.”

He continued.

“You need to convince the electorate that they are emotionally and mentally unstable and that this is why they are failing to see clear evidence that the Trudeau government are skilled economic managers and that Canada is the most advanced and prosperous nation on earth,” he said with some Kim Jong-Un flourish.

Anand giggled.

The interns from the Liberal PR team, who had just arrived from the hotel pool, said they could brainstorm ideas with CBC journalists.

CBC journalist Rosemary Barton, leaning up against the caterer’s cart, complained that they had been doing the heavy lifting for Liberal Party PR for the last nine years and that she didn’t see any point in bringing in Trudeau’s PR interns at this late point.

This was not well received, but Trudeau calmed the waters by assuring the PR interns that they were still important and could help him make more friendship bracelets for the 38 teenage girls he had met at the Taylor Swift concert, as well as helping him with new Instagram filters. Trudeau passed the beading kit to the three irritated PR interns.

“The best gaslighting method is to accuse the Conservatives of what we are guilty of,” said Blair, “I was talking to that Ukrainian soldier they brought to parliament a while back..”

“The old guy?” asked MP Patty Hadju.

“Was he talking about Goebbels?” Anand muttered.

“How are we supposed to blame the Conservatives for poor management when we have been in power for the last nine years,” Hadju said.

Freeland called security, and Hadju was escorted out to catcalls of, “Bye other Patty,”

Freeland pulled in behind the hotel podium, the consultant giving her space, and suggested they continue to expand their reach by coming up with poor ideas that anyone with an attention span of more than nine seconds and any critical thinking skills would see through.

“Like taking money from taxpayers' children and giving them gifts?” inquired MP Anthony Housefather.

“Yes, said Trudeau, now standing next to Freeland. “For example, if the Conservatives complain about this gift, we will say they don’t understand that getting money helps the economy.”

“Any other ideas we can use to trigger the Cons?” Blair asked. “This is good stuff. We always can get the last word in and accuse them of not caring about the economy or the middle class.”

Blair paused and continued, “We should make these ‘You can do anything you want, and we never arrest you’ cards for demonstrators. And then call people racist when they object.”

Trudeau raised his hands to stop the grumbling, “Earth to Bill. That was my idea,” he said, waving his hand toward a stack of cardboard boxes in the back of the room.

Housefather suggested that Jews should get the same cards.

“No, no,” Trudeau dismissed him. “Since you guys are always peaceful anyway, you are good.”

Guest Carolyn Parrish, the Mayor of Mississauga, was sitting in the front row and chimed in that the cards should have the words added to them, “But we will arrest Jews if they look Jewish, take up space or speak. Right?”

Freeland nodded approvingly and gave her a thumbs up.

NDP leader Jagmeet Singh suggested that Khalistanis get the same deal, and all agreed.

“But don’t interrupt us again during meetings,” said Freeland, pointing to the bucket Singh was carrying. “Our cars aren’t going to wash themselves.”

Environment Minister Stephan Guilbeault said they should go to Alberta and give oil and gas workers caps that say “We Love Oil.”

“Stop with the barfing noises,” Trudeau said. “Just because someone mentioned Alberta and Randy and Other Randy aren’t here doesn’t mean we have to go back to this,” he said with a laugh as he gave the offending MPs a cheery thumbs up.

Guilbault explained that if the Cons complained about the emissions cap, people could just say, “What's wrong with giving them a cap that says, “I love oil?”

“That’s so stupid it could work,” Trudeau quipped, making an awkward devil’s horns sign in approval.

“Did you learn that horn thing at the concert,” Anand asked, regretting her sarcasm instantly.

Deputy Prime Minister Chrystia Freeland jumped to fill the silence and said that she had been hanging out with some of the teenagers Trudeau had met at the Taylor Swift concert and that “vibes” were the new thing.

“Let’s make a bank of vibes and give them to Liberal voters,” Freeland said.

Atlantic MP Joanne Thompson said that since she was the only one in the room who represented a district that included Liberal voters, she would have to handle that. The next time she returned home, she said she could visit the senior homes in St. John’s.

When one of the young blonde servers tried to pull the dessert tray off the table in front of the podium, Freeland resisted.

“ Vibes are feelings and attitudes, not tangible objects,” the server explained.

“Like hugs?” Freeland asked.

“Not really.”

Trudeau pulled up his sleeve and showed a forearm covered with friendship bracelets. The girl cringed and ran back to the kitchen with the tray.

Freeland raised her hand and began, “The core of this gaslighting proposal should be to accuse anyone unhappy because at 47, they are living with their parents or that they miss fresh produce and real meat and hate the canned stuff at the food bank, that it’s their fault and that it is always simply a case of them having bad vibes.”

She raised a finger knowingly. “Those people were having a ‘Vibesession,’ like a recession without the re,” said stressed.

MP Adam Van Koeverden said he liked pineapple juice again.

The group agreed, and it was decided that from that point into the election, the Liberal strategy would be to distract the populace with talk about vibes.

Everyone was on board, and it was agreed that when people got confused or said that they didn’t think they were having a ‘vibesession’ and that they wondered if Fortinos or Esso would take vibe payments, the direction was the following: snap your figures, point one finger at them and smile and go, “You is having a vibesession.”

Don’t you mean “are”? Freeland said.

“No,” Trudeau replied, “The kids are using “is” these days. I know.”

MP and Defence Minister Blair asked what they should do about the Palestinian and Antifa rioters outside their hotel who were now burning cars. Anand moved over to the window, called down to Singh, and told him he didn’t need to do the rims and could just focus on putting out the fires.

Foreign Minister Joly raised her hand in the front room as Anand pulled back beside her.

“I just wanted to clarify that we no longer refer to the Conservatives as ‘Redneck moron MAGA whackjobs’ as Donald Trump had told me that every time he heard this he was going to raise the tariff rate on Canada another per cent,” she said.

“But when we are not talking about vibes, we still need something to replace the MAGA insults,” Joly continued, drawing a heart on Trudeau’s palm, who had taken the seat on his other side.

Trudeau ducked as Freeland threw one of the rocks that had recently landed in the room from the riot.

“I think we need to go back to abortion, he said, it is our go-to move,” Trudeau said.

Freeland nodded sagely.

When Barton bitterly explained that the Cons weren’t going to do anything about abortion, Blair suggested that they should use the gaslighting technique and accuse the Conservatives of trying to ban fourth-trimester abortions.

“Like when the kids are in the crib?” Housefather asked.

“No, no,” said Trudeau, said, “Just say something pompous about never restricting a woman's right to good abortion vibes, and if they object, just start huffing, and if they get really bad, just start waving a coathanger around and scream, “Is this what you want?’

“Just repeat nonsense,” Trudeau said, his voice trailing off. “But don’t worry - I will challenge Melissa Lantsman to a boxing match and get the CBC to cover it. That should take another two months off the election clock.”

Anand, looking out the window, said that the rioters had taken away Jagmeet's skateboard and were hitting him with it.

‘Throw down the new cards,” Trudeau shouted, hurriedly running over to grab a box and getting the server to open it. Blair grabbed a handful and threw them down.

Everyone gathered at the windows. They laughed as they saw Singh desperately grabbing the cards off the parking lot floor and handing them to advancing rioters. After he ran out of cards, Singh ran past the RCMP and local police, who were eating kebabs and roasting marshmallows over the flames coming off an overturned Volkswagen.

Back in the room, the young blonde server laughed and said those cards needed a snappier title.

Parrish put on her keffiyeh and went out to join the demonstrators.

In other news, Chrystia Freeland changed her pronoun to ‘bunself.¹ She will accept Bun. She said that she wants the entire cabinet to adopt neopronouns.

As she left the meeting out the back door, she argued with the caterer, as Freeland apparently wanted to take the leftovers from the dessert cart home.

“I am not just adopting the pronoun ‘bunself’ because I want to get the non-binary vote of all those who identify with bunnies,” she said. “Have you noticed the way I am always twitching and moving around? It is not, as rumoured to be, too much Adderall or cocaine; it is just my inner bunny coming out. They twitch, too.”

1. It’s a real thing; don’t be transphobic :)