News of the World (Canada Edition): NDP to Hold Penis Inspection Leadership Vote, Launches Global Separatist Franchises

Not totally true, but pretty close

They say it’s “just the price of a coffee.” Spare me. You already have too much caffeine in your bloodstream. What you don’t have is enough fearless prose that refuses to grovel before the cult of feelings. For $6 a month, less than USD $4, you can remedy that.

Under the new NDP leadership race rules, candidates must now gather 500 nomination signatures, with at least half coming from members who do not identify as cisgender men.

These identity-centric stipulations kicked off today’s proceedings—at which the party also unveiled plans for a mandatory pants-down voting procedure, touted as “the most transparent democratic process in Canadian history.”

Pants Down, Principles Up

At the leadership vote, delegates will lower their pants and present their equipment to a panel of certified inspectors. Those with a penis identifying as female will be allowed to vote and receive a coupon for oat milk.

Cis men with original equipment, however, risk being told to “zip up and ship out”—escorted by vo…