NEWS OF THE WORLD - Marketers Struggle to Use Irish Jew Hate to Market Guinness.
Not totally true, but pretty close.
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Guinness struggles to use the power of Jew hate to get people to drink more.
To sell more beer, famed Irish brewer Guinness is trying to tap into the abundant reserves of Irish anti-semitism. As the Irish nation has inexplicably become infatuated with anti-Semitism and Hamasophilia, marketing teams at Guinness have been desperately trying to figure out how to tap into Jew hatred and Hamas-love to get people to drink more beer.
It’s a marketing challenge, compounded by the reality that the death cult Hamas are non-drinkers and have little in common with the Irish free spirit.
Rejected campaign ideas include:
“No Jews were involved in the making of this beverage.”
Further ideas rejected included the philanthropic. - ‘For every draft sold, they will donate a bullet to Hamas, Hezbollah, the Houthis or give enough for one centimetre of a new murder tunnel into Israel.’
Hamas weighed in and suggested something that seemed to lose its snap in the translation from Arabic but was along the lines of, ‘a nitrogen capsule in draft Guinness makes a Guinness foam up like an explosion when an Islamic Jihad missile lands in Tel Aviv.’
Hamas spokesman Wael El-Hater said it had rhymed in Arabic and could have worked.
Marketing executive Tova O’Shitte suggested that the Hamas and Jew haters everywhere across Iran’s blessed proxies of death had somehow managed to tap into a powerful latent hatred and resentment of the English malign historical involvement in Irish politics.
O’Shitte suggested that perhaps they could bring back some of the old IRA terrorists but was at a loss how to marry old English hatreds with anti-semitism.
“We could say that England is full of Jews,” she suggested and offered up calling any other beer than Guinness ‘Jew Beer.’
However, she admitted that it was a bit sweeping. If they called English beer ‘Jew Beer,’ it would only affect those in Ireland who drank it, two pensioners in Galway.
Further research showed that the Galway pensioners had recently switched to cider.
Hezbollah marketing executive Wael Byby-Sinwar suggested that some Irish drinking songs could be adapted to some of their themes. Still, adaptations of ‘Whisky in a Jar’ to a popular Gaza ditty about killing homosexuals and dragging their bodies through town behind motorcycles didn’t do well in the marketing test at the Dublin bar Fenian Bastards.
Polling showed that Dubliners weren’t that pro-Hamas but more just angry about housing prices. But Jews have thousands of years of experience when it comes to being scapegoats, so the fit was there.
A focus group in Letterkenny fell into drunken fisticuffs when marketing manager and focus group leader Aaron O’Posner suggested that perhaps declaring war on a country, running away with hostages and expecting that the invaded country would respond with no more than a dirty look wasn’t realistic.
Operation Cisfinity Takes Off!
Since the New York Times now refers to women as cis-gendered females, some are suggesting that the word “cis” be more broadly incorporated into English-speaking societies.
“Cis means old school,” said Amalie Deport, a recent Peace Studies graduate who spoke on her work break at Starbucks. “It can be the word that launches us into a Foucaultian utopia, where nothing is, but all is made. “
“If we can redefine and overuse a prefix, the public will eventually lose track of what anything means. Words are weapons,” she said dreamily, wiping up a coffee ring over the handicapped-only sign on our table.
Oxford and Harvard’s Operation Cisfinity began on June 6, 2023, Foucault’s birthday.
Foucault was born in 1906, and today, many sociology majors see this operation as an audacious initiative to flood everyday language with the prefix “cis. " They believe the late Foucault would endorse this idea.
Harvard interns have marked digital maps with “Cis-Mountains” to denote nearby hills. Dinner menus have been created that offer “Cis-Chicken” for egg-based dishes. Traffic signs that read “Cis-Lane Ends” have been proposed to signal the rightmost lane closure. Cis-9:00 AM is now 10:00 AM and will be started as soon as daylight savings time adjusts the clock again.
Operation Cisfinity staff, when overwhelmed, have started reflexively using the prefix: “Are you cis-ready for the weekend?”
Language experts at Oxford, speaking off the record, said, “A population confused by cis is a population controlled.” Meanwhile, Amalie chuckled darkly.
“I identify as the three-year-old spotted leopard; don’t impose your cis-speciesism on me.”