News of the World – Firing Squads, Freebies & Faux Statesmen
Not totally true, but pretty close: where math goes to die, and politics pays better than Bay Street.
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Gifts Purchased With Your Stolen Credit Card Just Don’t Mean As Much
Prime Minister Mark Carney and Ontario Premier Doug Ford, following their synchronised announcements of proposed debt-financed “gifts” to taxpayers, held a joint press conference to unveil a “more efficient” way to buy votes.
“The $250 and $200 gifts remind me of when I used to steal my dad’s credit card to buy him birthday gifts,” Ford confessed. “For some reason, he never seemed impressed with paying for his own presents.”
Carney, smoothing his elbows, chimed in: “But we will perfect the art of turning the electorate into toddlers—give them their own toy back and watch them squeal.”
Later that day . . .
Ford & Carney Launch the Vote-Buy Mega-Store
Determined to cut out the middleman, Carney and Ford, exploring beyond the vulgar vote buying, announced a new “reverse-auction” vote-buying system.
“We don’t want to give people their own money if they’re not going to vote for us,” Ford said. “So as soon as advance polls open, we’ll open the website.”
Carney explained the partnership with Temu, brokered by former Liberal MP Han Dong:
“Canadians will fill their baskets with cheap Chinese goods. The tighter the race, the more free items Temu will allow you to take. The CCP has kindly agreed to pick up the tab, plus another donation to the Trudeau Foundation.”
Trudeau—still nominally party mascot—remarked: “Usually we like to keep contracts in-house. However, Gerry Butts wanted $ 50,000 for the website. That would’ve ballooned into $75 million. Even we thought that was steep.”
Rome Burns While PM Flirts With 14-Year-Old Girls
At a recent Taylor Swift concert, Misty Calburte, a 10th grader, was asked who the creepy older guy trying to exchange bracelets with her was. When told it had been Justin Trudeau, she blinked in surprise:
“I’m actually surprised he was at Taylor Swift. I didn’t think he was on that team.”
She added that his attempts at dancing were “cringe”: “That claw motion—like he’s pulling down drapes—was awkward. And the devil-horns hand thing looked like my uncle when he’s drunk and watching old Scorpions videos.”
Her older sister, Sarah, wondered aloud if Trudeau’s gestures were white supremacist signals. Local gang members clarified he wasn’t flashing their signs.
“We got standards,” said Alvin “Crazy A” Mompass from the local Crips. “If we gave this guy a piece, he’d soil himself. He ain’t crew.”
The girl's mother, Robin Spider-Calburte, who escorted them, recalled Trudeau musing aloud: “Now that I’m unemployed, I’d love to return to teaching 9th-graders at a private girls’ school. At least the last name’s good for fundraising.”
Trudeau’s Dyslexic Millions
At a suburban mall, former Prime Minister Justin Trudeau was spotted browsing the racks at Claire’s, fingering hair scrunchies and bedazzled phone cases. The scene quickly drew attention when Rebel News reporter David Menzies approached, microphone in hand.
“Mr. Trudeau,” Menzies began, “your net worth is now pegged at $95 million. You started with about $1.2 million from your daddy. You earned $350,000 per year in office. The math just doesn’t work out. How do you explain it?”
Trudeau, pausing briefly over a Hello Kitty lip-gloss display, smiled serenely. “I’m dyslexic,” he said. “I’ve never been able to do math. I’ve been very clear about that.”
Menzies, incredulous: “That wasn’t my question.”
Before he could press further, two plainclothes security officers lunged at Menzies from behind a rack of tiaras, tackling him into a pile of unicorn headbands. The store manager announced Claire’s would be closed “until further notice.”
Observers noted this was the fourth time in as many months Menzies had been arrested while attempting to ask Trudeau how arithmetic turned into alchemy. Trudeau, meanwhile, exited with a bag of clip-on earrings, telling reporters, “Math is colonial anyway.”
When police were asked why Menzies had been arrested, an unnamed spokesperson said, “We want to be clear that Mr. Menzies wasn’t arrested for bothering Trudeau but because he was Jewish. “
The Other Randy Defence
Following the embarrassment of former MP Randy Boissonnault, other MPs have started invoking the “Other Randy” defence: anytime they are caught misbehaving, they claim it was a doppelgänger with the same first name.
Mary Ng insists “another Mary” funnelled consulting contracts to her friends. Jennifer O’Connell and Karina Gould claim that mysterious Jennifers and Karens keep rising in Parliament to make excuses for their leader, making them look like knock-off Mean Girls.
Jagmeet Singh: Countdown to Pension Clock
Former NDP leader Jagmeet Singh—no longer a sitting MP and fresh off a staggering electoral collapse—has embraced his retirement like a lottery winner.
“We crashed to the worst result in NDP history—just a few seats, no party status—but I’ve locked in a 2.3 million dollar pension. Not bad for being unemployed,” he crowed. “Now I can get myself a new skateboard.”
Singh recalled strolling into the Chrysler union hall, where 400 workers had just been laid off. He said, “I flexed a little,” showing off his Omega watch for effect.
A reporter told him he was too old to use “flexed.”
Singh noted that at the factory, “the workers weren’t impressed with my watch. I don’t care. Who’d buy a Chrysler anyway?”
Singh then paused, gesturing to an image of a large clock on the wall on his iPhone—a clock he had used in his countdown to his February 2025 vesting date, now with a zeroed timer.
“That countdown clock has flatlined. The pension isn’t coming—it’s already here. Politics was just the warmup,” he said with an awkward thumbs up.
Reports say Singh’s new single, Jagmeet Making Bank, is climbing niche playlists, with Singh performing at Toronto clubs alongside former NDP MPs decked in costume jewellery and dancing badly.
Trump’s Firing Frenzy
It is well known that Trump has mused about firing the chair of the Federal Reserve (“rates too high, fire the guy”), pondered sacking the head of Intel (“bad chips, bad guy, Chinese simp”), and seemed genuinely puzzled why the Constitution doesn’t let him “fire” governors, senators, Keir Starmer, Ukrainian President Zelenskyy, or NATO.
And now, having worked his way through generals, FBI directors, and Cabinet secretaries, Trump is turning his wrath on corporate America — one snack and one soda at a time.
After sipping a Diet Coke, he reportedly demanded the firing of Coca-Cola’s CEO.
“They need more cane sugar,” he said.
After one of McDonald’s mini-cheeseburgers, he wanted the head of McDonald’s gone, too.
“Mini is bad,” he explained. “Too mini. Fire the Mini Guy. Bring me the Quarter Pounder Guy.”
Aides report he is considering restructuring the entire fast-food sector: “If fries are soggy, fire the potato farmer. Fake Fries, folks! Deep Fry State.”
The fallout has rattled McDonaldland. Mayor McCheese has gone into hiding, sources say, fearing he may be next on Trump’s list. Grimace, the purple mascot once considered untouchable, was described by insiders as “visibly shaken” and refusing to appear at public events. Birdie the Early Bird has reportedly grounded herself, citing “operational risk.”
The Hamburglar, long a lightning rod for controversy, is already serving a five-to-nine-year sentence for allegedly serving his relatives meat laced with poisonous mushrooms. Prison officials declined to comment on whether he would face additional charges if Trump follows through on threats to indict Ronald McDonald himself.
Industry insiders say Trump’s next target could be Burger King, whose monarch mascot is considered “far too smug for his own good.”
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