News of the World
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Gifts Purchased With Your Stolen Credit Card Just Don’t Mean As Much
Justin Trudeau and Ontario Premier Doug Ford, following their mutual announcements to offer pre-election debt-financed gifts to taxpayers that taxpayers and their children would have to pay for, decided to hold a joint press conference to announce that they were going to work together to find a better way to buy votes.
“The $250 and $200 gifts remind me of when I used to steal my dad’s credit card to buy him birthday gifts,” Ford confessed. “I don’t know why, but they were never big hits.”
Trudeau added to the discussion that he had never used his parents' credit cards to buy gifts; he had the family chauffeur pick up the gifts and then had the cleaning ladies wrap them.
Rome Burns While PM Flirts With 14-Year-Old Girls
At the recent Taylor Swift concert, Misty Calburte, a 10th grader, was asked who the creepy older guy trying to exchange bracelets with her was. When told it had been Prime Minister Trudeau, she seemed unimpressed.
“He seemed to know all the words, but the way he was trying to dance in his seat was cringe,” she said.
“That claw motion where he looks like he’s trying to pull down curtains was awkward, and then the devil horns thing with his hands was a super old school hand sign and looked like my uncle when he’s drunk and listening to the Scorpions.”
Calburt’s older sister, Sarah, wondered aloud if Trudean’s hand motion was some white supremacist thing or if he was flashing hand signs to gang members. Gang members in Toronto said that Trudeau was not part of their crew.
“We got standards,” said Alvin Mompass, otherwise known as Crazy A. “If we gave this guy a piece, he’d just soil himself and make us look bad. Maybe he’s got coin, but we got standards.”
The sister’s mother, Robin Spider-Calburte, 48, was escorting the sisters.
“Trudeau told Misty that if he loses the next election,” he’d like to return to teaching 9th graders at a private girls school,” Spider-Calburte said. “Trudeau mentioned that if they wouldn’t let him teach, at least the last name would help with fundraising.”
When asked why, as an MP from Montreal, Trudeau hadn’t returned considering the pro-Hamas riots and vandalism that had raged through the night, with police unable to contain thousands of masked rioters, Trudeau just giggled and said, “It’s Taylor,” and then asked another teenager for her phone number.
More Efficient Vote Purchase Plans Developed by Ford Conservatives and Trudeau Liberals
Ford and Trudeau announced they would simplify their vote-buying methods using a reverse bidding engine. “We don’t want to give people their own money if they aren’t going to vote for us,” Ford quipped. “So as soon as early voting starts, we will open the website.“
Trudeau explained that they would take advantage of their Chinese connections for the federal election and said that Independent MP Han Dong had worked out a deal with Chinese e-commerce seller Temu. People would use the vote-buying system to put Temu items in their baskets.
The tighter the race, the more items Temu would allow people to get for free. The Chinese Communist Party said they would cover the cost and would also make another contribution to the Trudeau Foundation.
“It’s a little weird that we didn’t just give this contract to an MP or a staff member,” said Trudeau. “Usually, we like to keep things in-house. But Gerry Butts wanted $50K for the website, and that would work out to being about $75 million, so it was too much.”
The Other Randy Defence
Now, other members of Parliament are using the ‘Other Randy’ defence and when getting in trouble they too are claiming that it is just another person with the same first name who has acted in their place whenever their diplomatic missteps, ethical violations or random blunders are brought to light.
When going to press, News of the World could not verify whether the other people were doppelgangers from a parallel planet, mystery identical twins or just people who shared the same first name and engaged in the same double-dealing they were accused of.
MP Mary Ng said it must have been another Mary farming out consulting contracts for her friends and family. Jennifer O’Connell and Karina Gould said that these mysterious Jennifer and Karens who looked like them kept standing up in parliament, making excuses for Trudeau, and making the authentic Karina and Jennifer look like idiots.
“Yes, that Jennifer and Karen aren’t us,” they said. “They look like they are just old versions of girls who never cut for Mean Girls, the movie.”
Jagmeet Introduces Countdown to Pension Clock
Jagmeet Singh said that because the government had removed the sales tax from Christmas trees and apple cider, he would continue to support the ruling Liberals. He then covered his mouth and seemed to be squelching laughter.
“Okay, ya all, “ he said after regaining his composure. “I can’t keep coming up with these BS excuses for tagging along with Justin. Let’s keep it real. “ At this point, Singh pulled out a skateboard and put a Supreme cap on.
“I’m just killing time till the pension is ready,” he said. Singh then turned to the staff to turn on a nearby speaker so he could do his rap. NDP backbenchers immediately went into character, put gold chains around their necks and crossed their arms. The song was recorded and can be played by pressing the above button marked “Jagmeet Making Bank Song.”
A reporter asked about the countdown clock on his new watch and the wall in his Parliamentarian office, which shows February 2025. Singh denied that it was related to his pension.
He said the other Jagmeet did the song and put up the countdown clock.