News of the World

Not totally true, but pretty close.

On Toronto streets where keffiyeh-wearing and masked-up hooligans are massing outside synagogues and harassing old Jewish women, Professor Wael Sheepadan, the pro-Hamas and pro-Houthis gang leader and community organizer, said that although the Taliban are their brothers and considered valuable members of the Iranian Axis of Evil, they will not be following the Taliban’s latest edict whereby it is illegal for women to hear the voices of other women singing or praying. He further explained that the rule about women not being allowed to look at other women¹ would also not be followed.

“It’s a great idea but not workable here,” Sheepadan said.

Inside sources amongst the beleaguered and oppressed women in Afghanistan said that they were hoping that their men would put them on a leash to save them from walking into traffic, but that overall, they thought it might be hard to enforce as they were already almost totally blinded by the restrictions of the burka.

One wife of a Taliban official, being secretly interviewed walking the mandatory three steps behind her husband, said that she thought the leash idea was great and that being treated like a dog was something she had always dreamed of.

“It would be such a step up,” she said. “It will save us so many bumps and bruises and traffic injuries - as well as not having the religious police punch us so often for violating the ‘no listening to other women edict.’”

In other news

Justin Trudeau and aspiring Liberal leader and Foreign Minister Melanie Joly celebrated their new plan to lower healthcare spending. They said that the new popularity of the government-assisted suicide plan MAID, which allowed people to preplan their suicide if they were feeling glum, was proving very popular, especially amongst lower-income people who statistically tended to use more healthcare services.

“The great thing about this is that it’s like customer lifetime value except in reverse,” Joly said.

Dead people don’t clog up our emergency rooms,” the Prime Minister enthused. “State assisted government suicide is only the fifth leading cause² of death in Canada. We are going to hire that agency that did the ‘Loving it’ ads for McDonalds. They can get us up to number four.”

“Come on, it’s Quebec; we have to give them some rope; they just like to be different.”

Joly said she didn’t understand why everyone didn’t get their private chefs and personal workout advisors to help them get healthier. She also said it was the poor and ill patients’ fault that they were getting sick.

But Joly said she appreciated the prospective healthcare budget saver’s willingness to kill themselves because the savings needed to be put forward to fix such unfunded and crucial budgetary items as repairing the massage feature on the chairs on her private jet. ³

On the Sycophantic NDP Front

NDP leader Jagmeet Singh said that he couldn’t bring himself to condemn the thugs who attacked Israeli football fans in Amsterdam. “I don’t consider it anti-semitism; boys will be boys, and I don’t see the big deal about curb-stomping someone’s head.”

He also said that people need to understand that he had a friend once who was easily triggered and attacked Hindu temples whenever someone made a Kalistani joke.

“People need to be more sensitive to Palestinian Arabs and just realize that they are very easily triggered and be sure we don’t complain when every so often they have a bad day and decide that they are going to Kristallnacht Jewish ass,” Singh said.

Singh further blamed Israeli fans for appearing in public and not hiding under tables and chairs as he said that Jewish people should be more accepting that everybody has a different role in life. He said his role was to support Justin Trudeau and ensure that Trudeau’s drinks always had three triangular-shaped ice cubes, which Trudeau insisted on when travelling on his private jet Trudeau had dubbed the “Climate Change Fighter.”

“In the same way,” Singh explained, “It was the Jewish role to have missiles shot at their country constantly, to be displaced and always to be open to absorbing the punches and kicks of gangs of Morrocan gangs that were angry because their free housing and support didn’t include better seats at football matches.” ⁴

Meanwhile in Academia

Diversity officers, CBC employees, Sociology Professors, Russian stooges who say they are university professors and all CNN, MSNBC and Global News employees expressed shock at the Trump victory.

Professor Valerie Merde, a Columbia University specialist in French medieval lawn care, said, “I don’t understand why these idiots and morons who don’t deserve even to live and shouldn’t be able to vote are always going off on this random tangent about the price of food and housing. We are so nice to them.”

She went on to elaborate.

“They are also disgusting; they make me want to vomit, and I hate them all. I don’t know why when their parents give them their monthly allowance, they can’t just ask for a few thousand extra dollars so they can buy more organic soy milk at Whole Foods,” she said.

Democratic pundits analyzing the election loss wondered out loud why their groundskeepers and compost keepers were so stupid that they didn’t appreciate the threat of methane farts from cows (or buy Whole Foods non-farting bovine beef, a new beef that was produced from cows that were given homoeopathic ginger treatments to minimize gas).

“I thought it was our winning issue that would sway the unwashed masses,” Merde said.

Merde noted that it was her number one issue.

Merde also elaborated and wondered out loud why all the Republican voters were so stupid, especially the ones of colour and the Latino ones who refused to vote according to their ethnic designation.

“Maybe the Weekend at Bernies-themed White House went on a bit much,” she said. “But I was sure that those deplorable moronic voters that elected Trump wouldn’t notice.”

Members of the Toronto⁵ Regional School Board could not understand why playing the Houthi’s Anthem, “Curse the Jews, may they come out from behind their rocks and die”, was not well accepted by students and their families on Remembrance Day.

Toronto School Trustees said that since they blamed every war on Jews, they thought it was a good idea to play the anthem.

Back with the Prime Minister

Finance Minister Chrystia Freeland said she had told Trudeau that Harris had won the election, and Trudeau thanked her.

“It doesn’t matter who won, Justin is going to follow the Harris and Biden playbook anyway,” Freeland said.

“We won’t let him participate in negotiations anyway; we never do,” Freeland explained. She said they would take him to a Latvian old folks’ home every so often and tell him that it was a conference of world leaders.

“It’s been three years since any world leader has given him the time of day, so if we find him some nice socks to entertain himself, put him in a nice chair, give him food and tell him how sorry we are that he is being ignored once again, he will feel right at home,” she said. “We’ve done it twice, and he never caught on.”

Polling looks dire for #teamtrudeau

When asked what he might do after the next election, Trudeau said he still had the faith and would rally again. He reminded the reporter of Churchill’s great comeback in 1951.⁶ When pushed to entertain the possibility of an election loss, Trudeau said he would still like to get a real job, as he had never worked before, but thought he would start a renovation company.

“I have been spending a lot of time in the closet at my home, and I have seen how disorganized my closet is,” he said.

“I would like to step out of the closet and redesign a more open and transparent closet to store and arrange my clothing.”

When asked the same question, a more realistic Freeland⁷ said that a company called “Electrified Bobbleheads”⁸ had been calling her weekly to ask if she would act as their chief spokesperson upon her potential political ouster following the next election. “I have no idea why they chose me,” she added.

She also said that people should stop saying she has a drug problem. “I have no problem with drugs,” she said. “We get along very well.”

On Who is Indigenous

Liberal Minister Randy Boissonnault said he couldn’t understand why many were protesting about him inventing a fictitious Indigenous history so he could create a fake Indigenous company and gain special access to federal government contracts.⁹

“What is truth?” Boissonnault said, washing his hands as he stood outside Parliament.

“I saw Pochahontus” twice when I was twelve. I have been to a Pow-Wow and once bought a Dream Catcher at a museum gift shop. If that doesn’t qualify me as indigenous, then what does?”

Boissonnault also said that if he put the words “I identity as” in front of anything that legally defined him as that thing, Reporters thought he was talking on a Bluetooth headset when he kept saying it to himself as he prepared to face the press.

“If that rule works for gender, why not for ethnicity?” Boissonnault queried. “That selectivity itself seems pretty racist, and since I am anti-racist and inherently virtuous because I’m part of #teamtrudeau, I think I should be good.”

On the Border

The Canadian Liberal Party allows refugees crossing the southern border to make refugee claims, even if they have not made claims in the United States, provided they do not cross into Canada through legal border crossings. If they cross through legal border crossings, they are deported.

When asked about the insanity of this idea, the Canadian prime minister said, “We think it’s a great idea, and we are going to apply it to all sorts of offences.”

So, in the spirit of the refugee policy, he announced that if anybody robs a 7-11 but enters through the side door or drops through the ceiling, he/she/they will not be prosecuted; assault charges similarly will not be levied if the person punching and kicking is wearing yellow gloves and Nike shoes.

Murder or manslaughter charges will not be pursued if the killer uses an unconventional method of murder – for example if someone kills with a gun or knife, they will be prosecuted. But if they use any poison that is not covered in CUSMA, the free trade agreement between Mexico, Canada and the US, they will get off. Furthermore, they will get off if they run over someone deliberately, but only if it is in a Dodge, GM or Chevy vehicle that gets more than 18 mpg.

“We may be crazy, but at least we are consistent,” said Trudeau’s girlfriends, Ministers Melanie Joly and Chrystia Freeland, as they kicked each other under the table at the press conference.

Footnotes

1. https://globalnews.ca/news/10841150/taliban-women-morality-laws-praying-voices/

2. https://www.nationalreview.com/corner/euthanasia-fifth-leading-cause-of-death-in-canada/

3. https://nationalpost.com/opinion/the-assisted-suicide-doctors-who-admit-patients-are-driven-by-poverty

4. https://nationalpost.com/opinion/jagmeet-singh-unable-or-unwilling-to-denounce-amsterdam-pogrom

5. https://globalnews.ca/news/10868014/ottawa-school-board-remembrance-day-backlash/

6. https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2017/oct/27/winston-churchill-back-in-office-archive-1951

7. https://www.instagram.com/coppolafilms/reel/C5EFyVrgjq5/

8. https://www.bobbleheads.com/?srsltid=AfmBOopCGEYlpKZsa00Yqi5Vmy58woZ14DArDA6sq0fls73cw5ROR2Gt

9. https://www.cbc.ca/news/politics/boissonnault-metis-claims-1.7383775