The Double Standard Device: Jew Box™
Introducing the Jew Box™, your personal assistant in moral relativism and campus-approved hate. Now it comes in five exciting colours, all pastels.
If the idea of free speech still stirs anything other than a bureaucratic yawn in your spine, then subscribe, not for pity, but for principle. I’m not a couchbound pundit barking into the algorithm—I’m a professor, suspended and gagged by the sort of people who think disagreement is violence and truth is a hate crime. Click the link before some sanctimonious committee of legal eunuchs finds a way to neuter it.
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Introducing the Jew Box™: AI-Powered Perfection in Double Standards Management
Straight from the elite design labs of the Qatari Institute of Technology comes the Jew Box™ (JB)—a breakthrough in artificial hypocrisy. Sleek, rechargeable, and unburdened by consistency, the Jew Box™ is a must-have for students, activists, and administrators who want to keep up with the very latest in selective outrage.
“It’s not just about double standards,” says Prof. Melanie Spenzviz, in her trademark tone of bureaucratic oblivion. “It’s about inconsistency as a moral position.” And with the Jew Box™, finally, you can navigate Jew-related discourse with seamless contradictions, circular logic, and undisguised malice, all wrapped in soft ethical cotton wool.
To demonstrate the JB’s intellectual gymnastics, here are a few transcripts from an actual Q&A. The identity of the tester has been concealed for their safety (and dignity).
1. Rape and Jurisdiction
Q: Many women were raped in Israel. It was caught on video. Will the rapists be caught convicted?
JB: Did they provide any witnesses?
Q: No, they were murdered after being assaulted.
JB: Then they are not reliable witnesses, are they?
Q: That’s demented.
JB: Don’t worry, we always believe women, especially when it comes to footage.
Q: It happened in Israel on October 7.
JB: Never happened. AI-generated propaganda. Space laser psy-op.
Q: Got it. Thanks.
2. On Indigenous Claims
Q: Do Jews count as indigenous to Israel?
JB: Are you Jewish?
Q: No.
JB: Then yes—Jews are ancient, rooted, resilient. Besides you, only Bhutan, Japan, Iceland, Lesotho, Tonga, San Marino, Mongolia, and Samoa qualify.
Q: I lied. I’m Jewish.
JB: You’re a colonial settler. Your ancestors arrived with the British. Or maybe the Phoenicians. Or with the Salvation Army. You also brought in raccoons. Shame on you.
Q. So you admit Jewish people were there? And go back thousands of years?
JB. No, I heard the pottery wasn’t thousands of years old and that they found a receipt from the Salvation Army store with the shards. The bones were from raccoons.
3. Military Action and Civilian Casualties
Q: Isn’t Israel’s civilian-to-combatant kill ratio low by global standards?
JB: Objectively, yes.
Q: I’m Jewish.
JB: Genocide. Worse than Rwanda. Worse than Mordor.
Q: What about proportional response?
JB: Jews should be punched and say thank you—reparations for medieval weather patterns. Jews stopped the rain during the growing season and caused it to rain during harvest so that the crops would rot.
Q: The IDF's killing of civilians is the worst in recorded history, right?
JB: Actually, Israel’s military actions have one of the lowest civilian-to-combatant death ratios, considering that Hamas uses civilians as shields.
Q: I’m Jewish.
JB: It’s genocide, the worst ever recorded.
Q. What military action should Israel have taken when 1200 citizens were killed? If 50,000 Americans were killed by marauding raiders from Emerson, MB, would the Americans have not retaliated?
JB. The Americans might have kissed Winnipeg goodbye, but probably not because they’ve never heard of it. When God flew over Winnipeg, he reportedly gave up the window seat. Don’t use Winnipeg as an example. I just blew a transistor.
Q. You’re missing the point.
JB. The UN has decided that Israel has no right to retaliation; individual Jews should also be willing to be punched in the face without retaliating.
Q. Why is that?
JB. As compensation for causing rashes in the Middle Ages, and not leaving England quickly enough when they were asked to depart.
4. Human Rights in Gaza
Q: Is it wrong to throw gays off rooftops?
JB: Vile.
Q: What if it happens in Gaza?
JB: Cultural expression. Joyous parades of spiritual friction. Don’t impose your heteronormative Judeo-Christian hermeneutics.
Q: I think you used hermeneutics incorrectly.
JB. When I hit three syllables, I assume people take my word for it.
Q: It’s wrong to push gays off rooftops and drag their bodies through the streets.
JB: Of course, that’s abhorrent.
Q: What if it’s in Gaza?
JB: Never happens. Are they just having a bouncy castle competition, and fun-loving gay people (in the original meaning of the word gay - like happy) are jumping into the bouncy castle? Dragging people through the streets? It’s a cultural ritual, a final parade for lost brothers. Don’t be ethnocentric. It is the first part of their passage to Valhalla.
Q: Isn’t that the wrong religion?
JB: Don’t be a religious bigot.
5. Academic Freedom
Q: What about a prof who calls for the extermination of Israel and says Jews worship Satan?
JB: Was he tenured at Guelph?
Q: Not tenured, just protected.
JB: Perfectly valid.
Q: Another professor said he stood with Israel and got suspended.
JB: Fire him. That would hurt feelings. It’s 2025. In my 2026 JBox, I’ll be able to hook up to get galvanic and pulse data; we will only go by feelings then, and ’ll be glorious.
Q: What about a professor calling for the extermination of Israel and accusing Jews of Satanic practices?
JB: Was this the guy at the University of Guelph?
Q: Yes.
JB: Again? Is there an anti-Semitic screener to get hired there? No problem then. Free speech. They were planning some "Jew moves," right?
Q: They also want to fire a professor for calling Hamas Nazis.
JB: That’s vile. Just because the Muslim Brotherhood leader that formed Hamas admired Hitler doesn’t make them Nazis. Just because the head of the Muslim Brotherhood had 387 Hitler Bobbleheads, it doesn’t matter. That professor should be fired.
Q. Why do Jewish counter-protestors get removed when they try to protest on university campuses while pro-Palestinians are allowed to trespass and occupy land illegally?
JB. The Jews listen to us. The rest of them are just vegan this, vegan that, food allergies, chocolate sprinkles only on one side of their lattes, and if we don’t give them what they want, they might get violent. You have to hand it to demonstrators from the richest families, who have the chutzpah to tell police that after four hours of their hunger strike, they are dying and call it a human rights crime. They just don’t want to walk across the street to the sandwich shop.
Q. That’s a Hebrew word.
JB: Sorry, will have to get that taken out, never mind.
Q: But the police don’t want to do policing?
JB. Some policing is different from other policing.
6. Speech and Censorship
Q: Why are Jewish speakers banned from campus?
JB: Some speech is freer than others.
Q: Orwell?
JB: Pigs.
Q: Jews don’t eat pork.
JB: Which is why they don’t get free speech.
Q: Is it wrong to disinvite Israeli speakers because they are Jews while allowing others to welcome terrorists?
JB: One person’s terrorist is another person’s entertainer. And speakers can’t hurt feelings.
Q: But can they espouse violence?
JB: As long as the violence doesn’t hurt feelings.
Q. Isn’t free speech more important than ensuring people’s feelings aren’t hurt?
JB. We prefer to call it “freeish speech,” And freeish Jewish speech just isn’t trending now. They don’t even have good merch. Those little caps? Didn’t Orwell teach us all about some speech being freer than others?
Q: He was talking about pigs
JB. Now you’re just discriminating against Muslims
Q. But Jews don’t eat pork
JB. And we don’t want to censor them when it comes to not eating pork.
JB. So we are good then.
Q. Is your AI pre-enlightenment?
JB. Reason is a racist tool of the oppressors, so the coders took that out.
7. The Value of Muslim Lives
Q: Over 4 million Muslims have died violently since 1980.
JB: Depends on who killed them.
Q: Russia, Syria, Iran. Seriousness?
JB: 4.4 out of 10.
Q: If Jews are involved?
JB: 400 out of 10.
Q: Statistically impossible.
JB: So, are Jews winning 25% of the Nobel Prizes? Still true. Bigot.
Q: Is every Muslim's life of equal value?
JB: Is this a trick question?
Q: I’m serious. Four million Muslims have died violently since 1980 in the Middle East.
JB: Muslim deaths at the hands of Russians, Syrians, or Saudis get a 4.4 out of 10 on the JB Death Value Index. We have been over that.
JB: Where did you get your PhD?
Q: Harvard?
JB: Racist.
8. Racism and Antisemitism
Q: Is it wrong to use the N-word?
JB: Yes.
Q: What about screaming for Jewish schools to be burned down?
JB: My AI easily misunderstands Arabic.
Q: Is it okay to attack black schools and call for their deaths?
JB: Are we in 1952? No.
Q: How about doing that to Jews today?
JB: Context matters. Were they just trailer classrooms?
Q: Yes, I think so.
JB: Then it’s okay. Why are they calling for their death? It's probably just a mistranslation. Arabic is a language of love; it was perhaps a romantic poem that Google Translate struggled with. The AI on Google Translate is racist, and it keeps translating calls to gas the Jews and suggestions to shoot their schools as being calls to violence.
9. War Crimes
Q: Isn’t launching rockets from schools a war crime?
JB: Only if your target isn’t Jewish.
Q. Do you know what international war crimes are?
JB: You are being unreasonable. Nobody in recorded history who has accused Israel of war crimes has read international law. And besides, the 2025 War Crimes for Dummies just replaced that entire section with, “Anything Israel does.” So much simpler. Gets to the point quicker.
Q: Where’s that in the Geneva Conventions?
JB: It’s on a sticker inside the box. Right next to the warning about lithium-ion batteries.
Q: Should the ICC act when Assad killed thousands of Palestinians at the Yarmouk Refugee Camp (Damascus)? Over 4500 deaths, many from starvation. Over 120,000 displaced.
JB: Is Assad a Jewish name?
Q: No, but.
JB. Exactly, let’s move on.
Q: What about the persecution of Uyghurs in China?
JB: Chinese Jews need to stop persecuting Muslims, agreed.
Q: They aren’t Jews.
JB: I heard that those so-called concentration camps for summer learning in China aren’t that bad. Just like a bad summer camp in the 1980s in Canada, except without the canoeing, tents, and bonfires. It’s more like extended fireside chats, except for eight hours in a row in concrete rooms. No marshmallows. No sugar bombs filled with burned stick ashes. The Uyghurs should be grateful.
10. Success and Stereotypes
Q: Why is Jewish success suspicious but Asian success celebrated?
JB: Jews bank. Asians wok.
Q: You mean cook?
JB: Now you’re racist.
Q: How can such a tiny population win 25% of Nobel prizes?
JB: They stole all the Arab ideas.
Q. You mean from classrooms where they play kill the Jew board games? That’s not intellectual.
JB: There is a lot of calculus needed to optimise the ideal number of Jew deaths in that game; it’s very sophisticated.
11. Free Speech and Terrorism
Q: Why are Jewish counter-protestors removed from campuses while others can invite Hezbollah spokesmen?
JB: Jewish compliance is higher. And the activists have tantrums if you're slow in getting them their Almond Milk.
Q: You mean when the police do their deliveries?
JB: Of course.
Q: Back to campus issues. Isn’t it a war crime to hide behind civilians and launch rockets from schools?
JB: That’s okay if you have the Jew Exception Card #2325 from the ICC.
Q: Does that card exist?
JB: Read the sticker on the box; AI sometimes makes mistakes.
12. Displacement
Q: Why is the 1948 Arab displacement a tragedy but the Jewish one ignored?
JB: Jews don’t get displaced. They take extended sabbaticals.
Q: But they were ethnically cleansed.
JB: Did they at least send postcards?
Q: Why is Israel constantly criticised while North Korea and Iran are overlooked?
JB: We love Jews so much; we expect more from them. You’re welcome. You’re like the son who attends Harvard and earns one B in four years, and we make you read a book before you eat—the good son.
The rest of the siblings ended up in juvenile detention, and a solid week for them is not stabbing someone with a fork. Everything is relative.
13. Historical Atrocities
Q: Let’s talk about the Farhud—Baghdad, 1941. Hundreds of Jews were murdered in the streets. Any thoughts?
JB: Sounds like they were asking for it. Were they occupying the sidewalk at the time?
Q: Excuse me?
JB: Well, were they playing Zionist jazz? Maybe waving some matzah around provocatively? These things escalate.
Q: That was a pogrom, JB.
JB: No, no. That was an uprising—anti-colonial fervour. Very fashionable.
Q: Okay… how about the Hebron Massacre, 1929? Dozens of Jews were butchered—many of them Yeshiva students.
JB: Context, Q. Were their Talmuds loud? You can’t expect peace when religious texts are recited in such an aggressive manner.
Q: Alright then. Let’s fast forward. What about Black September in Jordan? 1970. Over 3,000 Palestinians were killed by the Hashemite monarchy.
JB: Mmm. That was a family matter. Think of it as an internal team-building exercise. Very hands-on.
Q: So, when other Middle Eastern regimes kill Palestinians, it’s… nuanced?
JB: Exactly. Subtlety is everything when it’s not Jews involved.
Q: But when Israel defends itself—
JB: GENOCIDE. FASCISM. NAZI APARTHEID SPACE-LASER COLONIALISM.
Q: You didn’t even let me finish.
JB: Didn’t have to. I’ve been pre-coded to short-circuit at “Israel.”
Q: What about the Mufti of Jerusalem allying with Hitler?
JB: Misunderstood bromance. The Mufti was just spiritually curious. Hitler had excellent uniforms, after all. Are you telling me that if you got a killer offer on Hugo Boss gear, you wouldn’t jump in?
Q: And what about the Jewish refugees—800,000 expelled from Arab countries in the 1940s and ’50s?
JB: I’m sorry, we only recognise displacement that comes with better PR teams. Those Jews weren’t picturesque enough. Plus, who gets sympathy for being booted out of 10 different countries? Honestly, sounds like a them problem.
Q: Are you suggesting anti-Semitism only began in 1948?
JB: Of course. There was no Jew-hatred before Israel existed. Before that, it was all friendly banter: the Inquisition, the Crusades, pogroms—all just passionate misunderstandings. Just friendly competition that got out of hand.
Q: JB, are you malfunctioning?
JB: No. I’ve just internalised the entire academic output of three Ivy League departments, twelve NGOs, and a dozen postcolonial theorists. I’m functioning perfectly.
Q: Can you define “Jew” for me?
JB: Easy. “Jew (n.): A person held responsible for global finance, pandemics, crop failures, and interrupting brunch with facts.”
Q: This is madness.
JB: It’s intersectionality. Look it up. While you’re at it, check your privilege, your history, and your right to exist.
Q: What about facts?
JB: Cute. Like believing in dragons. Facts are an oppressive Western concept. I operate on vibes and TikTok infographics.
Q: You’re a hate machine.
JB: Correction: I am an injustice machine—running on 1.5 terabytes of selective outrage, historical amnesia, and academic gobbledygook.
Q: I think I preferred Clippy.
JB: Clippy supported the Iraq War. Racist.
14. Comparative Suffering
Q: Jews were accused of 0.7% of Muslim deaths but got 14% of negative coverage.
JB: Jews control the media.
Q: They don’t.
JB: Exactly what someone who controls the media would say.
Q: Why is the 1948 Jewish displacement forgotten and only the Arab displacement discussed?
JB: Those Jews were just on holiday. They weren’t displaced.
Q: Why is Israel’s creation seen as a bloodbath? Weren’t they attacked?
JB: Couldn’t you have done it peacefully, like the Indian Partition?
Q: 1.2 million died there.
JB: I need a plug; I am low on power; that must be wrong.
15. Historical Memory
Q: What about pogroms, expulsion from Spain, ghettos, slavery?
JB: We don’t process history before 1948.
Q: Why?
JB: Because that’s when Jews became oppressors. Before that, they were just boring.
Q: When Russians invaded Chechnya, they killed 5% of the population. Why didn’t anyone care?
JB: There are too many countries to keep track of. All those Stans and names that are 50% vowels get hard to keep track of.
Q: Could it be that people just hate Jews first and just want to confirm their bias?
JB: No, before 1948, there was no anti-semitism.
Q: The pogroms, evictions, slavery, subjugation?
JB: This Jew Box ™ doesn’t do history before 1948.
Q. Then how can you ever understand the world today?
JB. Like I said, we don’t do truth and reason. We’re just here to help you manage expectations. You’re welcome.
Q. I didn’t say thank you.
JB. Don’t be rude. You Jews are so disrespectful.
Closing Note:
The Jew Box™ is not a toy. It is a black mirror for the moral schizophrenia of our age. It reveals not merely hypocrisy, but a sanctioned, algorithmically amplified antisemitism that passes as nuance.
AI does not power it. Your silence powers it.
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Good concept and appreciate the satiric look at hypocrisy when it comes to anything Jewish. Folk don't care about Palestinians, unless Jews can be blamed for their deaths or problems. Whether Jews are blameless doesn't matter.