HAMAS ANNOUNCES A NEW REVENUE STREAM: MERCH

Move over, Che

Excited sources describe the organization’s new fundraising model as a “timely pivot to free enterprise.”

The old approach, quiet diplomacy and nine-figure contributions fronted through humanitarian channels like UNRWA - with millions coming through taxpayer contributions fronted by pals like Canadian PM Mark Carney - was “slow, dependent on politicians, and honestly not a good look for a people that wanted to geopolitically move out of their parents’ basement,” sources said.

The new plan is a gear shop. Its target market is focused on Gen Z and university campuses.

“We’re bigger than Che Guevara ever was,” said the organization’s Chief Creative Guru and head of Merchandising, who asked to be identified only as “the Brand Jihadi.”

“We’ve got a brand. We’re badass. We’re the danger boyz.”

(The Brand Jihadi insisted on ‘boys’ being spelled ‘boyz’ )

“And we need to milk it. Who funds us now? The imperialists. They’ll pay $68 for a T-shirt to feel dangerous. This is the way.”

The shop, HamasGear.com, is excited to announce a 20% off October 7th special, which the Brand called “a promotional killer,” and said it comes with a free one-inch-high teddy bear wearing a kippa, with a tack through its head, that buyers can attach to their backpack next to the SpongeBob one.

THE COLLECTION

The Black Tee, $68. Heavyweight, pre-distressed “for authenticity.” The hangtag reads “Sourced Ethically.” A Kalashnikov graphic on the front; “PRESS” printed across the back.

The Keffiyeh, $95. Sold as a “virtue standby,” in Classic, this season’s “Pumpkin Orange Sunset,” “Blood Red,” or “Feathered Teal.”

Made with ethically sourced 100% organic cotton. Each comes with a one-inch bonus teddy bear on a hang glider to be attached to a backpack.

The Headband, $42. “Resistance Green,” one size. Stain-resistant. Also in “Sage,” a spring exclusive. “It goes with everything,” the Brand said. “It especially goes with good grades, when you get an A on your midterm because your prof sees you wearing it.”

The Gloves, $58. Fingerless. Touchscreen-compatible, “so you can post your solidarity in real time,” from the comfort of your campus safe space.

The Military Pants, $160. Twelve pockets, khaki, a “relaxed tactical” cut. Now in pumpkin spice colours. Each pocket holds a clip cord for grenades or Apple iPad pens.

The Air Jordan 1 “Uprising,” $220 retail, $900 resale. Limited to 500 pairs. The logo appears on the tongue in what the Brand called “a simplified mark.”

On the bottom of the sole is written the word Jew.

The new rewards program, Tunnel Perks — “Your convictions. Our prices,” allows buyers to save up their points to convert to free merch, one yard of tunnelling, a suicide vest, or toy guns to be used in the UNRWA schools when toddlers play their schoolyard game of “Stab the Jew.”

Every brand needs a cause, and the shop is built into every checkout. “It’s TOMS,” the Brand explained, “but for tunnels.”

For every $1000 spent, in addition to the bonus reward points that can be spent at the online Jihadi rewards shoppe, buyers are promised that Hamas brands will pay for one foot of tunnel expansion in Gaza.

A progress bar on the homepage tracks the total. “It’s basically Toys for Tots,” the Brand said, “except the toys are infrastructure, and nobody’s asking where the toys go.”

Customers who spend $100 or more can have their signature added to an Islamic Jihad or Hamas missile. “Think of it as a personalized keepsake,” the Brand said. “Except the recipient is out there, and the shipping is free.” Signatures are rendered in “a lovely, legible font.”

THE CAMPUS PROGRAM

The HamasGear.com staff set up pop-up booths at Concordia University and McGill in Montreal and the University of Guelph and the University of Guelph-Humber in Ontario. According to the Brand, the reaction was overwhelmingly positive.

“We are thrilled with our sales,” said the Brand. “We are looking at coming out with a line of Intifada tote bags” and eco-friendly Matcha Intifada clip-on powder holders.

At the University of Guelph-Humber in Toronto, two third-year Business students raved about their new merch.

“Our profs promised if we wear it to our project management class, we get a bonus 15% on our final,” said Tucker Whitmore-Bell, 21, adjusting a Terra Cotta Sunset keffiyeh he had worn indoors since September.

“You always had to modify something. Like, write on a T-shirt with a Sharpie. It looked so DIY. Now I can lie in bed and be part of the revolutionary danger boyz.”

“The danger boy thing is honestly so real,” said Kayleigh Sutherland, 20, scrolling the shop on her phone. “I’m doing my placement at a bank in the fall, so I’m just going to keep the headband in my tote. Also, I got the Jordans. They’re a hold, honestly.”

Asked what the brand stood for, Whitmore-Bell said, “The, um, the resistance.” He said that Israel started the war by invading Gaza on Oct. 7 and that what they had done was a crime against humanity.

HamasGear.com does not exist. Neither do most of its customers’ opinions, as of press time. Tucker and Kayleigh are fictional.