News of the World - Freeland and Joly get in huge catfight over right to put lotion on Trudeau's back.
Not totally true, but pretty close. - “I’m functionally illiterate,” Trudeau confesses. “Gerald and Daddy always helped me out.”
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It was a bad week for Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau.
Trudeau came under more pressure on Tuesday as the investigation into foreign electoral interference continued.
Investigators questioned whether the Liberal Party’s policy guide on foreign interference in Canadian elections should be amended. It states, “Anything that helps Liberals gain votes is permissible,” - referring to electoral interference.
Opposition leader Pierre Pollieve said these revelations could spell the end of Trudeau’s reign. Trudeau responded with laughter, saying, “Oh no, all those newspaper subscribers will vote me out.”
But later that day, in response, the nation’s newspaper subscribers gathered in a booth at a Vulcan Tim Horton’s to discuss the findings. All five said they were not voting for Trudeau, though two admitted they hadn’t voted since the late 1970s.
An undisclosed Liberal source further commented on the Liberal Party’s indifference to CSIS reports detailing Chinese interference in the 2021 elections and Chinese leader Xi's selection of nine candidates.
“C’mon, get serious; it’s like we just found cash on the street. Did you honestly think we’d be running off to the police station to report it?” an anonymous Liberal staffer quipped. “Who acts like that?” he said.
“I swear to God if the devil came back and could help us swing a few ridings, we’d sign him up,” he added.
Other Liberal party members weighed in.
“But not everything the Chinese did was okay,” said Senator Woo. “We have our dignity; those ‘Sponsored by the CCP’ sweaters they wanted us to wear were too much,” he said, speaking alongside independent Han Dong. “They were itchy, scratchy and bothered Justin’s skin. “
The Deputy PM said she didn’t mind putting Noxzema on Trudeau’s back, but then Melanie Joly wanted to do it, and it “turned into a regular catfight.”
“But overall, if anyone votes and they don’t have a Chinese dude almost breaking their wrist to sign the ballot, I don’t see the big deal, said Deputy PM Freeland. “It’s a free vote.”
Further commenting on the issue of CCP influence on the picking of Liberal candidates, Freeland said that a quiet side detour of a group of Chinese seniors on their way to a casino wasn’t that big a deal. She said seniors had been directed to cast primary votes for the candidate whose name had been written on their wrists.
“So what you’re saying is that you’re a racist, and you just want them to lose all their money gambling, so don’t stop the bus?’ Freeland responded to an inquiring Rebel News reporter as she looked down at her new “How To Respond The Trudeau Way” manual.
The reporter was later arrested.
PM Trudeau said he was surprised by expectations that he would read the documents given to him or even watch the 30-second private TikToks that Foreign Affairs Minister Melanie Joly had put together to talk him through some of the more difficult passages.
The Deputy Prime Minister, Christina Freeland, weighed in as she wiped Noxzema off her hands. “But Justin didn’t care; I mean, he’s 52, but he still thinks he’s 15,” she said.
She said much had been explained to Trudeau but that he was afraid he’d lose the youth vote if people heard that he had been reading as he knew cool kids didn’t read.”
Freeland added that nobody else understood Joly’s TikToks either.
After admitting he couldn’t do math earlier in his career, Trudeau dropped another bombshell, acknowledging that reading was an issue and that the cool kids' not doing it was just an excuse.
“My kids would explain things around the breakfast table, and I just sort of winged it,” Trudeau admitted. “That’s why Sophie dumped me; she was tired of me having to have everything explained.
“Daddy buy it” always worked for me growing up, Trudeau said.
“Okay, maybe I was just a good-looking guy; I didn’t elect me, not my fault; my campaign slogan was “Sunny ways - could it be lamer?”
“Why didn’t I just say that we shouldn’t elect the Conservatives because it’s like standing in the rain? Sounds like a fourth-grade poetry class,” he emphasised.
“I mean, I just like travelling on planes and in big cars and hanging out in nice hotel rooms. That’s it. Leave me alone, stop making me go to Question Period,” he said.
More damaging information was released on Justin Trudeau’s Liberal “Grand Strategy.”
Not only were reporters shocked to discover the 2025 election strategy document, but they were also surprised to learn that a group of ninth-grade influencers from an Ottawa high school had put it together.
Liberal insiders said that approaching influencers was key to securing the youth vote. “We realise they won’t be able to vote for a few years, but the population is starting to cap out at about a mental age of 15 anyway, so we are pretty spot on. Most of these kids won’t read, and neither will Justin. They are the perfect group to help us reclaim Gen Z.”
Liberal Press Secretary Jagmeet Singh interrupted his own Liberal Party briefing and noted that “Most of you aren’t listening right now.”
“Can you repeat that?” the CBC reporters asked as they broke into a huddle, giggling about a video of a cat hitting a lion.
The student policy document was just over half a page and was written on the back of a form that students filled in each morning to identify their pronouns. It was divided into three sections: foreign policy, responding to the press, and answering questions during Question Period.
The foreign policy section said, “Every time you support someone, end your sentence by saying the other people on the opposite side of the issue aren’t that bad either. It’s fence post brilliance.”
For example, “We support the right of Ukraine to defend themselves, but Russians make great borscht,” or Hamas maybe shouldn’t shoot babies, but those Hamas daddies love their children very much.”
Students noted that while you may not win anyone over, you won’t piss anyone off, not that much.
The second youth influencer suggestion evolved out of schoolyard taunts.
Students noted that they had always respected, “I know you are, but what am I?” and believed that Justin liked that one particularly.
The comments explained that the key was identifying a topic in the question, stating how important it was to them, and then indicating that they were responsible for any problems related to the noted question topic.
Question period strategies also included changing the topic or saying something positive. Examples included, “Mr Speaker, I like chocolate pudding,” “Mr Speaker, we in the Liberal party believe in eating right,” or anything that starts with “I will not stand here and have you question my (patriotism/integrity/Indigenous heritage/mother/chocolate pudding).”
The last tactic for the question period protocol was to take any comment about any topic, turn it around, and ask one of the following questions:
“So what you’re trying to tell me is you don’t care about the poor?”
“So what you’re trying to tell me is that you don’t want the rich to pay their share?”
“So what you’re trying to tell me is you don’t care about children?”
“So what you’re trying to tell me is you don’t care about the middle class?”
‘“So what you’re telling me is that you’re a racist?”
“So what you’re telling me is that you don’t care if people get sick?”
The ninth-grade committee rejected the repeated phrase “Go f*** yourself” as a retort but thought it was pretty cool. Once in a while, they said it was good. Like pepper on a salad.
(Note to readers - The ‘What are you - an anti-semite?’ was deleted from the list due to protests from the NDP)
In British Columbia, RCMP fraud investigators discovered that the picture of Sophia, the turtle with a straw up her nose, was faked. Sophia came clean at an emotional press conference in Victoria.
“I put it there myself, I was drunk, I was trying to impress some cis boys, just screwing around,” she admitted to reporters.
Sophia commented on Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau. “I can’t believe he banned plastic straws because of that pic, and now everybody is finding cardboard mush at the bottom of their Diet Coke. I mean, I thought tortoises were dumb, but that is worse,” she said. “If he sees a gopher caught in a paper bag, will he ban bags?
After being told that it had happened, Sophia swam off with her photographer and said she was going to get a group of dolphins to take a picture looking like they’d been strangled after getting caught in low-rise yoga pants.
On the foreign policy front, the Liberals gave CAD 5,000,000 to fund a solar-powered energy plant for a hospital complex in Mali. However, 4.2 million was immediately transferred to the dictator’s nephew, who wasted it all in a Monaco casino, betting on the birthday numbers of his recently deceased Corgi, Steven.
Minister Joly also announced $4.3 million to fund research on tidal-generated power in the landlocked nation.
“The future is solar,” Trudeau said.
When reporters asked what would happen during surgery during the rainy season, Trudeau said they should plug their machines into another outlet or use those huge phone charger batteries.
Patients were reportedly watching the weather channel and booking their surgeries in the lobby of the noted Mali hospital complex. Environment Minister Stephen Guibault rejected the idea of backup generators because he said you can’t show any weakness in the face of fossil fuels.
“The fossil fuels are bullies, and we are at war with them - maybe you have no power, and the ventilator goes off because of a cloud passing by, but you take your lumps,” he said. “ It will save lives, except in this hospital.”
The Liberals also donated school supplies to the UNWRA schools in Gaza and the West Bank, shipping two containers of the popular ‘Kill the Jew' game set, which included fake knives and guns, fake blood that won’t stain clothing and fully detachable Jew dolls.
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