News of the World - Low viewership of eclipse by minorities evidence of systemic racism
Not totally true, but pretty close - Only 2.93% of viewers but 3% of population
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On Sunday, jet-setting Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney visited a daycare in Toronto to mock four-year-olds.
“Hey, little kids,” he said, “How many of your parents got in on the $10 deal?”
Precocious four-year-old Timmy DiGiovanni responded, “Isn’t that what your momma charges?”
Subsequently, Carney’s 43-person security detail tackled DiGiovanni and told him he needed a timeout.
Later, a tearful but fuming Carney threatened Di Giovanni: “I’m raising your taxes, got it? Do you think you will ever own a house? You’ll be lucky to be able to afford lunch by the time you’re my age.”
At the official press briefing that followed in the finger-painting room, Deputy Prime Minister Freeland offered good news on the labour front.
“I just want to be clear,” a pleased Freeland said. “We received a nice thank you card from the South Korean Labour union that recently sent 1500 workers to build the new German EV battery plants.”
She added that the Liberals wanted to give another $20 billion, stating, “Even if our funding helps move just one worker from another job in Ontario to the sponsored German or Italian factory, it’s worth it.”
When reporters reminded her that nobody wanted to buy EVs and that Trump wanted to bring manufacturing back to the US, she said she had to check if they had kept the receipt for the battery factory contributions.
In addition, the Liberals announced a two-billion-dollar, no-strings-attached investment in companies with the capital letters ‘A and I’ in their names. “If I hear the words ‘AI,’ I just back up the government money truck,” Freeland added. “It’s just smart business to give taxpayer money away.”
Ontario Premier Doug Ford announced that he would allocate $2.1 billion.
PM Carney also announced additional funding for ten-dollar daycare, pharmacare, lawn care, school lunch programs, dental care, and menstrual care products. In a surprise announcement, he said the Canada Revenue Agency (CRA) would oversee the new school lunch program.
“It’s not like the CRA was busy; we will be sending them recipes and asking them to make frozen hot meals for school children,” Trudeau said. “They are all at home anyway.”
“The procurement of the ingredients will be outsourced to Defence Department moonlighters,' former Defence Minister Bill Blair said, adding that they will also be sourced from several well-connected organisations of ‘Overall Wearing Persons (OWP).”
Small business specialist Mary Ng stepped in for Blair to explain that the hot lunch ingredients should cost just $4 per meal, but they could cost as much as $4 million.
“It depends on whether we can daisy-chain more than 300 subcontractors together,” Ng said. We all love flowers.”
Blair stated that the federal government would not oversee the program.
“I mean, look at me. I look like a retired roofer. I still print out all my emails, so I’m not sure how this techy daisy chaining works,” Blair said, using his phone to cut a cake shaped like an hourglass, representing the CRA’s two-hour minimum wait time.
Carney later announced that the children of his private motorcade drivers, who owned the 1,500 AI companies, had spent all the recent grants on in-app purchases for their government-issued Blackberries.
When CBC reporters asked Carney where the additional grant money would come from, Carney responded empathetically, rolling up his sleeves, which were now covered in CRA cake.
“It’s not my money,” he said. “I asked Christina. They make it at the bank, just like groceries at the grocery store.”
Later in the day, Quebec dairy farmers reacted angrily to this comment, stating that the mental stress it created necessitated an additional twelve cents to the government-set price per 100 grams for cheese, yoghurt, and chocolate milk. They told Carney that the brown cows have been facing diversity challenges and needed the government to study racism in the dairy industry.
Patty Hadju, Minister of Employment, said his neighbour’s son would receive the racism study contract as he had helped fix their boat dock at his family’s cottage.
Carney explained that the waiting lists for ten-dollar daycare, pharmacare, farm care, tampons, and dental care had now been reduced to just 40.5 million Canadians. He said they were excited to hear that Defence Department employees wouldn’t have to worry about their parental responsibilities, leaving them better able to focus on setting up shell companies to bid on IT contracts. Farm care, tampons, and dental care were all covered.
One excited Defence Department official said she would develop an app allowing Defence Department employees to automatically use Bluetooth connectivity to transfer IT contracts to any fellow department employee passing them in the hallway.
“I wanted to make the re-sourcing markups around 200%,” quipped Defence Department employee Pat Augustana as he painted surplus WWI pistols with a glow-in-the-dark pink paint donated by the MAID health assistance program, who said they didn’t need the old guns anymore as they were bringing in better guns from the US.
Augustana explained that the pistols would be shipped to Ukraine for the LGBTQ Nightstalker division; Canada wanted to make it easier for soldiers to find pistols when they dropped them at night.
Minister Blair also said they would attach stickers to the pistols. The stickers would display a QR code directing soldiers to a bilingual Russian-Ukrainian app that helps transgender male soldiers locate the nearest toilet.
“But we can’t get the transfer app to work,” Blair explained. “And it’s already been subcontracted so often that it’s cost over $54 million.”
Later, an anonymous Defence Department official noted that, due to a miscommunication, Indian technicians working on the actual development were told it was a garage door opener.
In other Southern Ontario news, the University of Guelph recently merged the Sociology, Victim Studies, Lawn Care, and Religious Studies programs to accommodate the 12 students enrolled in Fall 2024.
“We want religion and sociology to be together. It just makes a lot of sense,” said Dean Dr. Janet Gruenke. “We were having trouble with some of the Scientology students in the Religious Studies Department; they said that it was stupid beyond reason to deem it systemic racism whenever any racial or ethnic group didn’t have the same percentage of Defence Department IT outsourced contracts, prison time, lawn care tools, rashes, or jobs in the NBA as their corresponding percentages in the general population.
Scientology students could not comment further. They needed to return to their annual Tom Cruise invitational tournament, where competitors closed their eyes and drove their Thetans through the imaginary L. Ron Hubbard raceway in Ensign, AB.
The University of Guelph also announced that suspended lecturer Paul Finlayson would have to attend one of their terrorism sensitivity workshops. Representatives from the Houthis, the Lord’s Resistance Army, and Symbionese Liberation Army spokesperson Patty Hearst said that Finlayson’s comments about their savagery hurt them.
An unnamed Hamas spokesperson said that just because he cut off an IDF soldier’s head and kicked it around, it didn’t make him a bad person. His parents confirmed this and said they were very proud of their boy and were not worried about him being hunted down and killed by the Mossad because if it happened, they would get “a ton of money from the UNWRA Martyrs Fund and maybe get a pool out of the deal.”
On the latest Carney European Empathy Tour, the Collaborative Committee on Canine Racism, recently formed by the Scottish National Party (SNP) and the Liberal Party of Canada, announced the first international ban on a specific dog breed.
The newly inaugurated Canadian Prime Minister, speaking from his friend Bruce’s Scottish castle that normally rents for only $5000USD per night - but that he was able to use some of Trudeau’s connections to get a USD 5000 reduction - explained that the SNP and Liberal Party would be calling out the Canaan Dog, the international dog of Israel, for its disgusting support of the Zionist oppressors.
The head of the Caanan Canine Union, Gitta Uranus, said at the same time she was too busy to give a lengthy comment because she was chestfeeding new puppies, though it was clear that she supported a name change. She said, “I’m not sure about the Caanan thing; I haven’t seen a golden calf since I was a little bitch anyway. ”
Uranus added that since real Canaanites hadn’t been seen since the Bronze Age, she didn’t think the name had caused much damage.
Sociologists at the University of Guelph recently announced that the Hispanic portion of the Canadian population is 3%, but only 2.93% of this group watched the solar eclipse. Officials said it was yet more evidence of systemic racism.
Victim Studies students tearfully pleaded with the moon, the stars, and Uranus to be exempt from attending a mandatory universal Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) training session. Uranus was also being charged under the interplanetary sexual freedom policy. It was said that its name was homophobic and that it would no longer be invited to one of the 10,000 Pride events planned for Vulcan, AB, in 2024.
At the University of Guelph, Human Rights officials also said they would sue the moon and the sun for the bad eclipse on April 8. Local clouds claimed they had nothing to do with it and that global warming was the cause. Protestors in Toronto blamed the Jews.
Conservative Pierre Pollieve blamed the Liberals.
