News of the World: Genocide Now Defined as Making People Feel Bad

University of Guelph rally panellists explain Hamas tunnels as bathroom and tampon supply routes, Rafah as a weird Sharwarma condiment

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Special Campus Report: University of Guelph Students Enlighten the World on Hamas, Genocide, and Ceiling Heights

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This analysis was gathered from comments made by attendees at a fictional panel at a recent Pro-Hamas/Palestinian Student Rally at the University of Guelph in Guelph, Ontario.

Israel’s Curious Genocide

• Israel, the students explained, is guilty of genocide—albeit a genocide where the target population increased. If people die when the missile storage depot in the kid’s room is targeted, it’s genocide because who doesn’t store missiles under the crib? Apartments are small these days.

• They noted that Canada was guilty of genocide for killing residential school students in Kamloops, BC. However, it may have only been killing their hope, and that Canada was also guilty of genocide against indigenous women, even though indigenous men had done all the killing.

• They said the modern genocide was largely based on making people feel bad or perceiving that they had metaphorically died on the inside, hurt their self-esteem, their confidence and their swagger.

• One undergrad noted solemnly that Hamas “always stays in place,” while Israel rudely expects civilians to move out of the way.

• Others pointed out that tunnels under Gaza hospitals were “humanitarian” structures. Hamas, they insisted, had only connected them directly to wards so they could ensure “bandages, medicines, sanitary products, and tampon machines in the men’s washroom” were fully stocked.

• They didn’t have enough room above ground to make deliveries, and tunnels were cooler and required less AC, helping Hamas meet their climate change pledges.

Gaza on the Map

• Some students debated whether Gaza is in Eastern or Western Europe. One suggested it might be near Prague; another thought it might be in Saskatchewan.

• As to Israel’s violence, the consensus was that Israel should have responded militarily but without violence, as war is never the answer. They said that the best way to respond to Hamas and Palestinian civilians’ massacre in Israel would have been to send both Jewish and Palestinian kids to a summer camp, but make sure that the “Kill the Jews” board game was not brought along.

• Wars were always caused by miscommunication.

• They said that they get along well with everyone at their university, even those from different cultures. There is no issue in their respective gated communities, so they wondered why Middle Eastern people couldn’t just meet in person. A Psychology major observed that people get bitchy when they are behind a keyboard, and maybe actually meeting and doing things was the way out of conflict, suggesting group activities together, like bowling or pickleball, certainly better than roasting each other on X.

Historical and Cultural Expertise on Tap

When asked to compare the Israeli war efforts to World War II, a panel of student experts threw out comparisons:

• The Japanese-American meeting after the Allies bombed Pearl Harbour had led to a peace treaty.

• Two of the panellists said that the Holocaust was just Zionist propaganda. But they were not sure what Zionism was, and propaganda was a word they only heard when their single uncle watched the CBC. But Jews tend to exaggerate, they said.

• Another cited the “nuclear bomb the Allies exploded over Beijing Harbour in World War One to end the conflict.” They said warning shots that don’t actually explode or go near real people are the way to go.

• Three students who’d said they once had the History Channel (before their parents cancelled the free trial) remembered that Americans only fought soldiers, never civilians, like in Gaza.

• When a university cafeteria worker asked them if they believed that Islam could co-exist with a society based on post enlightenment values - when Islam has said it prefered rule by their God - the student panel said that they didn’t think that our values had really changed in Canada after we started using light bulbs and that deciding not to rely on candle light wasn’t really ‘a value.’ One student said “okay boomer” to the worker when she protested this comment.

• Students agreed that Canada needs to get over itself and stop thinking that light bulbs make us better.

• When asked about the quote by Churchill on how people think that if they feed the crocodile last, it will not eat them, the panel replied with “Churchill was basically a human rights criminal because he led the Crusades to reconquer Israel in the Middle Ages. He shouldn’t have done that. “So we don’t need to hear from him comparing people to crocodiles.”

• One student noted that there were no crocodiles in England so he was not sure where that came from.

Palestinians: Misunderstood Victims

• Though over 80% of Palestinians cheered the October 7 massacre and elected Hamas with a vote share higher than what Mark Carney scraped together for the Liberals in 2025, students insisted Palestinians actually “hated Hamas” and were “totally misunderstood.”

• The falling of homosexuals from rooftops, they explained, was due to dizziness caused by vibrations from Israel’s Iron Dome. Panellists said that they had friends who were Palestinian, and they had assured them that they were against killing homosexuals and dragging their corpses through the town. It was just a bad rumour.

• Israel needed to stop brainwashing sharks and sending them to hurt people on Egyptian beaches.

Free Speech, Redefined

• They said that their book-free and non-reading generation had rendered the question of free speech irrelevant, and asked why anyone would ever get mad at something someone had written. They noted that people should blame ChatGPT, not the person who innocently copied and pasted what it provided.

• Free speech, they said, means “saying what you want, provided others agree.” They said that the way you measured how close your statement came to hate speech was by considering how many people disliked it.

• They said that the volume of a response was always directly correlated to the worth of one’s point.

• Most of the panellists concurred that their generation was the most inoffensive ever because one really couldn’t be offended when all you talked about was memes and what was streaming on Prime.

Ceasefires and Rafah Crossing

• Students also decried Israel’s refusal to grant Hamas a ceasefire whenever asked. Hamas, they explained, was “getting tired”—from pushing civilians out of ambulances so fighters could escape. Asked if they realised ceasefires were used to bring in more weapons through Rafah, one student shrugged: “I don’t know what Rafah is. Isn’t that some weird condiment at the Shawarma shop?

“Gas the Jews”: Misunderstood Chant

• Protesters explained that “Gas the Jews” had been taken out of context. It obviously meant Jews, distracted en route to family visits, forget to gas up their cars and therefore need help at the pump. Another insisted it referred to giving Jews free SodaStream carbonation.

  

From the River to the Sea

• While many believe the slogan refers to eliminating Israel between the Jordan River and the Mediterranean, the panel had a different view. “It’s metaphorical,” said one. “A metaphorical river, a metaphorical sea.”

• Another explained: “It’s more about space. Like when you have high ceilings and feel relaxed. Palestinians just want metaphorical high ceilings.

Evening the Playing Field

• Students stressed that warfare must be fair. Thus, Israel’s drones and aircraft should be counterbalanced by requiring IDF troops to wear glow-in-the-dark orange uniforms and march in straight Civil War-era lines. Maintaining an even perspective was a key generational insight that Gen Z could bring to the table, they said.

• Philosophy student Benjamin Spain offered: “You can’t accuse Israel of genocide and apartheid. If you genocide first, there’s no one left to apartheid.”

Pixar as Policy

• A masked leader from “FREE PELESTINERS (sic) FOR GAZER (sic) JUSTICE” promised Gaza’s future government would be based on Inside Out 2. “We’ll tell the destructive emotions not to come,” he said.

• West Bank spokesman Vashoff Liechtenstein assured listeners you could oppose Israel without endorsing medieval barbarism—“we’d just have an ethnic food day,” saying that you can work anything out over a good meal.

Cabinet Commentary

• Asked to comment, local MP Anita Anand suggested building a battery factory in Gaza. Anand showed off her new foreign-policy volume children’s edition: “War is bad. Violence is bad. Peace is good. Everyone is equal. All cultures are the same.”

• Yet other students wondered if Gaza was in Eastern or Western Europe. 

• Student consensus was that Israel should not have responded as they did; they should have given Hamas a mulligan or just asked for an apology card, one of those huge ones Hallmark specials, so the Hamas fighters could sign it and give their best wishes to the families who died.  

• They said that people make mistakes, we need to get over it and love everyone.

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